Dream within a dream?

Considering the fact that this is something I think about on a regular basis, I think this is a brilliant question. I walk through my life so concerned about all the mistakes I might make, all the things people might think about me. I make decisions based on external reactions over my own ideals and dreams and then feel angry at the external stimulus. As though it is the very thing that controls me. What?!

I don’t even know if you exist? What the heck?

After seeing my dear friend John Glover in “Waiting for Godot” I kept thinking that it seems as thought the common fear and quest of most people is that we are ultimately alone and there may not, in fact, be any real point in our existence, if we do actually exist which we can never really prove.

Ok, so then why anything?

The answer for me is: I really don’t know, but there is something beautiful about the enigmatic structure of our own experience. And if I can train myself to look at my life as one big experiment, the consequences and the failures as simply a check list for what does and doesn’t work depending on my hypothesis and the result, I think I would spend way less time stressing and way more time building.

So often I spring out of the gate with an idea, get some information back that is not what I expected and then simply shut down. I am sure you all have been witness to several of these impulse ideas… depending on how long you have been around. Which brings me to my next point.

I don’t know if you exist, or if I exist, or if this train I am riding on, with my friend, as I write this, is actually something true and tangible, The only thing that I do know is the experience I am having in this moment.

I know my leg is sticking to the seat. I know my friend who is staring out of the window is looking beautiful in her blue sweater. I know that I will bail on myself, but I wont bail on the people I love. I know I have too many pride issues, too much respect for the people I have been working with lately, to run away from my dreams and ideas if the data goes against my hypothesis.

And so, I know the virtual human team with no actual proof of existence is a gift. Because whether or not I know for sure if this is some big game or not, I know I am enriched and enlivened in my own mind and body because of the life I have lived. And the more teams I join with people I love, the more experiences I have the courage to sit through. The more boundaries I will test, the harder I will push.

So why? What’s the point?

Well, why not?

If this is just dream within a dream, I am going to do everything within my power to make it a damn good one. And since I lack the strength to push through on my own, I will look to my team-mates to nudge me with their valiant life choices and examples.

We inspire each other. Whether here or not, we effect each other.

This is a beautiful, hypothetical existence, and I want to go hard while I can.

Allendh, I hope that answers the question.

What do you all think?

Xo
a

Newer Comments →
  • http://www.avitable.com Avitable

    Believing in existence is my motivation, so that’s the perspective I choose.

  • http://scannerwa.com ScannerWA

    Wow, I hope I’m real, if someone is dreaming my life up then they’re all kinds of messed up! ROFL

    Seriously though, brilliant or not… I think many of us wonder the same thing from time to time… kind of an alteration of the ‘who am I’ and ‘what was I meant to do’ questions.

    My perspective: I’ll keep doing what I do. if I’m real, then the ramifications of my actions will still have results. If I’m not real, then whatever essence is conceiving me should have me act as I normally do, and perhaps the imagined ramification of my created actions will have reasonable effect on whomever or whatever the source of my pseudo-life would be. :)

  • http://deeperwaters.wordpress.com Nick P.

    The question being asked is “Do I exist?”

    And whom, shall I say, is asking the question?

  • MarilyneL

    I get this reflexion everytime I look at the stars or the full moon and realise we are living on a planet….in a galaxy…in the universe!! whoa…so I feel our existence is so little in terms of years and “importance”. However, I agree that if our journey on earth is that little, we have to have a blast and act and look for opportunities that will make us fully enjoy it :D

  • Matt

    I think that life is real and that what we do matters in life—the jobs we do, the education we receive, and the people we influence. I can’t imagine that men and women and all their complexities of life could be a dream or happenchance.

    Examine the brain and all the synapses. Then think about all the logical thoughts that no animal can merely think through. Then think about the love we feel and the joy we have those we are close to. Life has real meaning! And it isn’t just about having a jolly good time. Everyone can make a difference.

    It’s about finding the life that honors the Creator of all.

  • Jesse

    Hi Allison

    Well again I still say you exist and everything you just said in your post with the way you feel and express is in your existence. Your love for your friends and the fact that you won’t bail on the people you love is amazing and existing haa. Love the fact of going hard at it, doing everything in your power to make it a good one with inspiring or having great experiences. Allison keep going strong ummmm.

  • http://www.myspace.com/analfabeta Gnome

    I think I need a pinch to make sure I’m real.

  • Mike

    Our existance is real. Our existance is important, and, at the same time, so unimportant. When you think about it, Life really is unbelieveable. It’s a melting pot of everything. I believe in destiny. Some people are destined to be what they are, and others make their own destiny. One thing is for sure, we really do need other people to make it through this amazing life.

  • http://chasegiunta.com Chase

    I’ve definitely thought about it. Whether anything I do ultimately matters. Whether I will see the consequences of my bad decisions or good ones. I think this boils down to your religious views or lack there of. Otherwise, everything you do to, just doesn’t matter. If I didn’t believe in a higher being (in my case, I have Christianity views), it wouldn’t stop me from anything. Honestly, my views give me a moral compass, and a conscious. That sounds terrible I know, but I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I didn’t believe in a SOMETHING.

    Sometimes, I find it hard to see that other people do NOT believe in a higher being. It blows my mind. To think that somebody explains everything with science… Okay, what came before that. Someone had to have INVENTED the rules of science. In order for the big bang, or whatever, some sort of science had to have already existed. The world is built on too much intelligent design for it all to be a coincidence and act of evolution or science.

    And that was my rant on existence, and for the sake of the reader I won’t go any deeper. But it does come back to whether or not anything you do on this earth matters, or to what extent. Will what I do today affect a small number of people, or a ton? Will I see the consequences of this mistake at all, just later in life, or eternally? Will I reap the benefits of this good deed at all, just later in life, or eternally?

    So, it is a game? A dream? A nothing? Or is it something?

  • Chad C

    You know, your responses are always so daring and inspiring – you always manage to take the brightest possible choice there is. In the matter of existence, you can say that whether we do or do not , we certainly have the chance to be the best we can in everything we try – even if what we do doesn’t please us or conclude in the fashion which we imagined it would. Your optimistic and charismatic approach is truly enviable and while i cannot be as imbued with same vitality or character that you hold, i can certainly be inspired to be the shining star in the otherwise often dark world we live in. your confidence and enthusiasm is beautiful.
    Much love, Chad C
    -London, England

  • http://www.myspace.com/smallvillefansite8 Eric Wilson

    I agree with you Allison and the same with MarilyneL too… and Allison, I respect you and love you very much and I really enjoy your blogs you post and love your work you have done; also want to let you know that you’ll always be a friend to me and if you want to talk feel free to.
    Your friend,

    Eric Wilson

  • Tucker

    So weird that we seem to be experiencing a number of the same points of the journey right now. This weekend, I went to the wake of a friend who passed from cancer. I gathered two things from this: it was utterly amazing the ways in which one person – particularly this one person – can touch so many people’s lives. This wasn’t even a drop in the bucket of the scores of people he interacted with frequently and brought something to each person’s existence. There is a huge community of people online that were just as taken and enlivened by him on a day-to-day basis and to see the responses of those people – people who had never met him in person or had ever spoken one word with him – has been astonishing.

    The second thing I gathered was just how dependent on others thoughts I am. In so many ways, I’m not and yet I find myself so frequently now being concerned with others opinions and beliefs about me. To the point that I find myself fighting in my head over those perceptions and the thoughts – the personal thoughts – I have and how they’d be perceived. I find those thoughts to often be self-serving and self-focused, so that I take time fighting myself over being so self-important.

    It’s a double-edged sword because I know that there is truth in telling myself to stop thinking so indulgently, but also that I find myself getting too caught up in what others think of me to allow their input and impact on my life to have value. Others affect our lives, as you say, just as we affect theirs. These effects both help us to prove existence as well as to experience it. I find that I run the risk now of closing myself off to those effects because I worry too much about others. It is very much about finding the balance between those conflicting, yet intertwined mindsets.

    What became very evident is how right you are in joining teams with others to get the most out of life, to become the most out of your life. I saw evidence of that this weekend.

  • http://www.alvideographic.it Andrea Pietrella

    Hi Allison,
    Well, the point is: don’t worry, and live your life as it comes!
    If you stop, even just for a moment, to look back, to complain your past, you may do the biggest mistake ever… you will stop there, trying to choose what’s the best way to take, while you’re in time to come back…
    i really know what are you talking about… I’m italian, and i decided to give up the way that my school chose to me (I thought I could be a web designer, now), leave my hometown, move to rome and study cinema… and then, a lot of difficult choiches, stayin in rome or come back? Trying whit movies, short, or something else or, finally, give it all up???
    I’ve choose my way, as a music video director… it’s a brand new world for me… but i like it.
    Oh, and it’s hard… a lot!
    But it doesn’t matter, it’s the way that i choose, and I will fight as strong as I can to make it works!
    so, no regrets… we choose our future!

    all the bests

    Andrea

  • maurice

    hi im maurice a 19 teeneager and i think we all are in this world because a reason no matter what i think. some way we can change the life of other we can influenciate ( i dont know how to say influenciar en la vida de otros en ingles lol ¡¡¡) in them beloved, behated, bewatched , beheared so i hope this cuote help you in some way
    xoxo

  • http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2269943 Erik A. Williams

    Allison, I truly love reading your thoughts and feelings on this world and the way we all gravitate through it . It helps me to expand and be pensive on my own life. Thanks for being you.

  • Robin

    I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone’s different take on this subject

    I guess each of us only truely “live” in the moment,be it an actual reality or imagined, not in either the past or future, the only true reality is the here and now.

    The lesson I hope to learn is to enjoy and appreciate each moment and not dwell on the past or worry about the future.

    Every second we’re living is a gift, It’s up to each of us to earn this gift by constantly striving to learn from each experience and improving ourselves…

  • http://www.kryptonsite.com/triplet.htm CM Houghton

    Well, I think it’s an interesting intellectual exercise, but if we didn’t exist then why the dream?

    I think you need to take away from this experience is that nothing is mapped out for you. Each life is unique in its challenges and gifts. I think if you live life to the fullest and try to be good to yourself and to others, maintain your integrity, the rest will fall into place and your life will be fulfilling.

  • Ant

    Well, I’m pretty confident that I exist ;-) I’m intrigued, though, by how we perceive our existence. I recently had an amusing argument with someone over whether an item of clothing was green or blue. It made me wonder, does what she perceives as “green” actually look like what I would call “blue”? Or even “red”? Do we all see different colours when looking at the same thing, with the only link being the names we call them? How would we ever know?

  • nora

    hmmm ive had similar thoughts… and i liked the post before me about the there is here and now…

    lately ive been thinking that i am actually fullfilling my goals…

    a few months ago i read a survey i did about 2 years ago… i found it interesting hose one of those things was to go to the smallville set…

    a year after that i was in vancouver for a whole semester and when i saw they were filming in robson street (luthorcorp and daily planet) it encouraged me to go to the actual set and i went…

    its one of those things im glad i did and i “checked” it :) … it felt really good!

  • jennygirl

    I know it’s worth it, as I can feel, and I can make others feel. And I can make others feel loved, and valued. And that feels fantastic.

    There is no way it’s not worth it.

  • Plat3au

    Oh that Vladimir and Estragon! Like a good Matrix flick (the first one, not the two crappy ones that followed), they always seem to make people question the meaning of life (the last two movies just made people question the price of movie tickets). Now I’m not an authority on existentialism but I do know how to look up stuff on Wikipedia:

    “Existentialists hold that there are certain questions that everyone must deal with if they are to take human life seriously, questions such as death, the meaning of human existence and the place of (or lack of) God in that existence. By and large, they believe that life is very difficult and without an ‘objective’ or universally known value: the individual must create value by affirming it and living it, not by talking about it.”

    That sounds deep. Well I’m off to ponder the creation of the universe and albino puppies while eating chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I will report my findings.

    Plat3au

  • DivineChaos20

    wow…those are some deep thoughts.

  • thomas

    You should carry a beach towel with you so your legs won’t stick to the seat.

  • AnnK

    I just came here to say I JUST watched last week’s episode and was freaking out because I though you wouldn’t be on the show anymore. I know you had said before that you wanted to try new adventures and I totally encourage you to chase your dreams, but it will be a VERY sad day when you aren’t on the show anymore, but I saw the previews for next week. Looks like the writers couldn’t bare to separate from you either. lol

    I haven’t been here in a while and I see that I have really missed out. You certainly are not alone in ANYTHING you go through. You write about what we ALL go through and most of us think about. I wish so bad I could have a cup of coffee with you. :o )

  • Jade Ruby

    I can’t resist,

    Ant Says:
    “Do we all see different colours when looking at the same thing, with the only link being the names we call them? How would we ever know?”

    We know because of the continuous spectrum. So if a person is colour blind to certain colours it is able to be determined. Have you seen the tests for colour blindness yet?
    http://en.wikipedia.orgwikiIshihara_color_test

  • thomas

    It’s a rainy day in Brooklyn so I am going to go for a walk in the park. The trees and flowers are in bloom and look special in the rain. Today they are just soaking up the goodness. Tommorow, when/if the sunshines, the flowers and trees will open up all their beautiful colors and fill the air with sweet smelling fragrances, like the Garden of Eden.

  • Kathleen

    Sometimes, I think the point is growth.

    I learned early on that there will always be someone who will poo-poo your dreams, who won’t provide you the support you desperately crave. But I’ve also learned perseverance.

    Don’t be afraid of making a mistake. Not to sound cliche, but mistakes help you learn. Also, how you handle making mistakes will say a lot to the people around you.

    Do you cry and stomp your feet and say, “I can’t do it”? In which case, friends, who have their own lives and are pursuing their own dreams will just shrug and move on. But if you roll up your sleeves and tackle it again or go to your friends and ask, “How would you tackle this problem?” then they are going to realize that you really want to pursue this goal and will probably be more willing to help you out (because you’re serious).

    Dreams are so personal. They are also very fragile. But I’ve learned not to put them in a box and hide them in a closet anymore (have you ever read Erma Bombeck’s ‘BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE A PRIVATE BOX OF DREAMS’?)

    If a dream truly means something to you, work on it every day. You may not accomplish it as quickly as you might like, but when you do it will be all the more precious.

    Also, be careful about relying too much on team mates. Remember, everyone has their own lives, their own goals…and if they can help you out, I’m sure they will, but sometimes you just have to go it alone…or find people who will walk with you on a particular project.

  • thomas

    So often I spring out of the gate with an idea, get some information back that is not what I expected and then simply shut down. I am sure you all have been witness to several of these impulse ideas…….

    happens all the time when I play guitar, feedback. Sometimes the circuit breaker kicks in when I get feedback from my bass guitar.

  • Michael C

    Interesting. I can’t say I think that deeply often. Sometimes I think it would be fun if the whole world was actually an experiment by aliens and every day they check on our status to see if we’ve advanced (invented fusion, sorted global warming, disproved god etc.).
    Some people would say obviously that’s not true, but then is it obvious?
    It’s not very obvious what anything is.

    Probably sounds stupid to reference a fictional film but in The Matrix the humans have no idea it’s all in their head. And it’s true, how can you know?

  • Aziza

    Making the best of your dreams!
    You go girl!

  • Aziza

    But anyways. I do believe I exist because mainly because I believe in a Creator of my existence (in my religious viewpoints of course- and it doesn’t matter what religion or lack of really). But we were created out of imagination really- I make take a paper and make a paper plane and of course I used something tangible. The paper came from a tree but I didn’t create that. The Originator of my existence created me, created what he created me from, created that out of His Imagination. I say imagination because the millions of things on this earth I could never come up with and all this order and structure in the natural environment leads me to a Higher Existence.We’ll all products of the Greatest Mind.

    take care Allison
    btw- Waiting for Godot, good play. I have like alot of Samuel Beckett’s plays and I think he’s really good. I wish I could have seen John Glover in it. I wonder who he was- Vladimir or Estragon. Or Pozzo or Lucky. Hmmm.

  • Susana

    Allison I see you as such a brave amazing Woman, so all this is amazing to hear. Because it’s true do we exist? I don’t know the answer to anything because I can barely hold myself together I am soooo dependant on others it’s actually scary & I don’t have the courage to do anything alone so I hope one day I am as strong & good willed as you :) . I don’t know, sometimes I see the world as one little speck & we are just among that little speck I think all of us are more equal than everyone actually understands.

    Okay Haha I don’t even know what I just said I am so tired from all my studying & stressed because of exams I can’t even concentrate. Lol okay I’ll leave it at that

    Thanks again Allison & as always have a great week & take care :)

  • Lynsey

    I don’t worry so much about being ultimately alone as I do about my sense of self being so intrinsically linked to how others see me. If it weren’t for those around me, would I still be the person I am? I don’t know, but I’d like to think I’d still have the same values.

    My goal in life is to make a difference in the world – I doubt I’ll ever find a cure for cancer or fly to the moon – but some of the random acts of kindness others have done for me are my most precious memories and I hope that I can do that in some small way for others I meet along the path (real or imaginary).

    My friends and I took a trip to NYC two weeks after 9/11 (which we’d booked several months earlier). It was our first trip without our families and whilst we were there, a woman stopped us on the street when she heard our English accents and thanked us for coming to her city. After everything the people of Manhattan had been through, we were so touched that this lady took the time to say thank you to us, when we really hadn’t done anything worthy of her thanks. To this day, we all remember that moment like it was yesterday, and it still makes us smile.

    So if this life is all one big experiment, then my hypothesis is this – what would happen if I took all that time I’ve put into worrying how others see me and channelled it into how I see other people? Because, if I look more closely, I might just see how to touch someone else’s life.

  • http://www.daybow.com David Hayes

    I think I need to pinch Gnome to know that I am real.

    Allison, maybe if you get new information on the train seat, mybe you won’t stick to it anymore.

  • Hammad

    I think you should look into solipsism and understand why it is a philosophically unsound and untenable position. Also, i think it’s dangerous to hold a view that seems to border on nihilism: a “what’s the point?” leading to a “why not?’ I think the point of a hypothesis is to verify its accuracy against “reality”. If nothing is “real” outside of one’s own experience, what’s the point of forming a hypothesis about the “real” world? Reliability loses its meaning.

  • Robin Hebert

    Oh we exist all right. Truth is stranger than fiction. It’s amazing where our imagination will take us if we let it. If this is all an illusion, whose idea was it anyway? No sorry this is very much real. But also God is real, the devil is real, heaven is real and yep the opposite is real.
    The laws of God are real….and gravity is real……no need to test it either!

  • http://snowballsweets.deviantart.com/ Gina

    This is a good topic to bring about that not many people think of!

    It almost feels like we are being controlled at times. It feels like the Sims! Like some alternate reality. It’s very difficult to explain, but I’m sure you heard of this theory before!

  • Carissa

    nudge nudge :D

  • James

    I find your hypothesis fundimentally flawed, and here’s why:

    If we ourselves, and those around us don’t exist, then what we see hear, feel and think about, anger, joy and sorrow…none of that exists either. If we are just someone’s dream, then that someone is the author of our experience. Think about your own dreams. Do we control our thoughts in our own dreams? Do we contemplate that the dream versions of the people we know in our waking lives are real and cease to exist when we wake? No we don’t. It would be too horrible.

  • http://N/A Irene

    Well Allison, I must agree with Chase and Eric…and I’m just going to be a little bold if you don’t mind…

    I believe we are all created with a purpose in life, and that purpose is to show love to those around us.

    The Bible describes love as patient and kindness, among other things like not being easily angered, not being puffed up with pride, not envying others, and things like that.

    So when you think that love is not necessarily emotional, but rather an action, our purpose in this life is to care for those around us, by living these attributes. I have found that it’s impossibly to be perfect, which is why faith in the one who is- is so important.

    I agree with you when you said that we all affect each other, because we do. We impact those we come across whether by internet, on a train, bus, or even the grocery store.

    Purposeful living is not necessarily living with a full schedule of planned events (though it’s good to redeem time), it’s acknowledging the person everyone walks by in a room without paying them any attention. It’s helping someone at the store have enough to purchase what they want to buy, even if it’s just loose change.
    It’s buying that cup of coffee for that person at work that you don’t necessary like-stuff like that.

    I believe we ALL have a purpose every day; we just have to be sensitive to the needs of others to fulfill it.

  • Tabby chapman

    @James. I’m not sure what the two has to do with one another. Is it possible for something to not exist (or at least for its existence to not be able to be proven) and that we are not part of someone else’s dream? For instance, is it possible that we are part of our own dream?

    In fact if we cannot prove the existance of anything, including others, then we are working from a basic standpoint that it is possible that we are not controlled by others, because others possibly don’t exist.

    So if left with that knowledge that there is no control because it is possible that nothing exists to control it, I think that it is up to each individual as to what they want to do in this thing we call “reality” and how he or she wants to go through “life”.

    I don’t find it to be nihilistic to question “what’s the point.” It’s not the sort of question that has an eeyore “oh well” attached to it. It’s the question that provokes a deeper understanding of one’s own values and dreams and goals.

    IMO.

  • Sean

    If our existence is a dream which a dream does that matter? No one knows what happens to us at the end of our so called existence, but no one knows if there is ever an end or just a different stage like transforming into a butterfly. does the caterpillar fail to exist or has it it just moved on.

    Here is a question for you Allison and something for everyone to think of:

    If you could choose to live the life that you lead in your dreams, the one you think about at night and when you have a chance to reflect, would you choose it over the life you a living now? Would you give everything up and jump into your leading role that your mind plays out for you?

  • Edmundo

    Hi Allison

    What I think is that we don’t know anything for sure, are u seated in a train? is teh person next to you really beautiful? or u just love that person enough to see her or him that way?
    My point is, we grew up believing in absolut truths, and then one day we can stop and think that there is not an absolut truth just a bunch of relative ideas of a reality that may or may not be there. One example is religion but Im not going through that path…

    So if everything is relative and anything is absolut that means we can explore or own boundaries and experience life at its fullest. Sky is the limit? if there is no sky then there is no limit and I think that’s how humanity has accomplish so many crazy things like flying or internet.

    Let’s break our limits and create our own reality, no matter how crazy it sounds, at least it will be fun

    Have a nice day

    Edmundo

  • william

    What evidence or proof is there that life is a dream? my end conculsion, life is real so live wisely.

  • Scooter

    Hi Allison,
    This made me reflect upon the quote from Maeterlinck: “It is well to have visions of a better life than that of everyday, but it is the life of everyday that elements of a better must come.”

  • http://ruthieswoods.blogspot.com Ruthie

    This is all very interesting and inspiring. Either way…here we are! Wow…thank you everybody.

    Allison…love this:
    “The answer for me is: I really don’t know, but there is something beautiful about the enigmatic structure of our own experience. And if I can train myself to look at my life as one big experiment, the consequences and the failures as simply a check list for what does and doesn’t work depending on my hypothesis and the result, I think I would spend way less time stressing and way more time building. ”

    So true. It’s fun to philosophize, but what about living this whole big “experiment”? I needed a push to live boldly lately…to embrace the moment and experience it fully. So, thank you, thank you…I will read your post again now. :)

  • ted

    after reading your blog thoughts, thinking wow your really deep and take a deep reflective approach to life…

    i sit here thinking, why are we put on this earth. whats our purpose? we wake up, go to work, build relationships, meet friends, go to sleep and the day starts again. every day repeating the step, trying to keep ones self motivated, fulfil ambtions in life etc, but why do we have ambitions etc why do things motivate us. is it because without them we would have no purpose? When you take out these things which has generations have passed we have added to has a way of life, i ask again, why are we here?

    and to you allison. you make your choices on what to do today. for example, should you wear a red sweater, or blue. should you email me back on face book or not haha. every day you make choices in your life from what to do, to the person your with in life. but with life like a string with people making choices day to day, what would your life be like if you made the other choices. I.e. wore the blue jumper instead of the red, wasnt with your partner but someone else. ther are so many decisions we make in life each affect the string we move along. by choosing one we are dismissing another life of us. one that could have been. With us on this planet, just once, shouldnt we be venturous, experience everything, try everything, have no regrets, what ifs..

  • Brittany

    Hey Allison! Brilliant. Your response was truly honest and amazing. Good to hear you keep in touch with John Glover! I am completely astounded by your response. I think I will need a nudge too once in awhile to pull through and to really make my dreams come true.
    I wish you the best of luck on this incredible journey.
    Much love & support,
    BrittanyXOXOXOXO

  • Tyler

    Whether living for the moment or for the future, I know I live. I live because I feel, I love, I laugh, I cry, I sing, I talk, I walk, I smile, I be. Whatever this life is, it is real to me. The people that surround me, the relationships I’ve created, the beauty in every single object I encounter tell me that it’s mine to mold.
    If this is all a dream, someone is sleeping like a baby.

    Take care of yourself and others.

  • kris

    If this life is just a dream, then I’m going to do everything I can to wake up from it with a smile on my face :D

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