Amorphous Me

I sometimes feel like I am so good at morphing into the people around me that I may never find the spine of myself. What do I mean by that? Well, I often tell myself that in order to feel like I have direction or purpose (like I know what I am doing with my life) I will do whatever it takes to look, act, move, and sound the person I find the most heroic. I do what I need to do to be just like them, believing it is behavior that determines heroism. It is sweet really, behind the action of self-sabotage and identity suicide there is a little girl dying to be what she sees as most important.

  • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

    Is this something that many actors, who train themselves to become other characters and who submit to directors’ direction in their work, struggle with?

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

      Here’s one who seemed to master things:

      “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
      Judy Garland, US actor and singer (1922-1969)

  • Bouroux

    Allison, you’re a talented actress, you’re creative and you have a nice personality. Why you want to change. You should live your life and not try to change the world. Even the great men and women of this world have not succeeded. It is through small projects that can eventually make them big. Thinking of you always and not to others. Communities often tend to dumb down and prevent the individual to think for himself. More compassion for you will make you a more fulfilled person.
    Brings to life a new character in a movie at the theater or TV. Life is generous, quickly returns to the screen.

  • Beth

    Wow. I do that a lot, I have been told. Most of the time I don’t realize. Lately I have been told that I copy you. Well, I just thought that was me being inspired. It does make me wonder where the real me ends and the desire to be like other people begins. Or, if I actually share some other’s traits.

    By the way, you don’t need to change because you’re already awesome!

  • Beate

    Is this you talking or is this a quote?
    I’ve had the impression that you are very much yourself – but maybe I got you confused with Chloe.
    One part of me wants to adapt so I will not continually irritate people by just being myself (and maybe find another job);
    another one very stubbornly refuses to. Usually I get stuck somewhere in between, in a kind of limbo.
    It is hardest when I am in love and realize I can’t be the person the one I would like to get close to might be searching for.

  • http://twitter.com/jhamilton_hall James Hall

    “Fake it till you make it!” is an old saying. Beneath the behavior is compassion? I’m sure that you indeed have compassion.

  • Robin Young

    I think all of us “morph” or alter our personna dependant on those around us. Our use of language, how we dress, our behaviour changes on our environment. I sometimes struggle in living and breathing the real me, based on being true to yourself and not on our own and other people’s expectations.

    • Beth

      I agree with this. I think that maybe because the relationships we have with different people in our lives correspond with all the different parts of who we are, we tend to ‘morph’ into different versions of ourselves depending upon who we are with or where we are. People have said to me that if you talk to someone you knew ten years ago you morph back into the ‘personality’ you had back then.

  • http://twitter.com/Cro_Mag_Kir Kirill Chuchelin

    There is nothing bad with trying to be like the most heroic people. But the main thing is do not forget who You really are. Do not completely lose Yourself. I think that a lot of people sometimes try to be like someone else (so am i). But every human must have individuality. And he must not “consist of the characters of another people”, he must not be like a “constructor”. Especially You. We all love You for who You are. And do not forget who You are. So, please, do not be completely “like someone else”)) Just, maybe sometimes)) Be like You. Just live…

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

      > We all love You for who You are

      But what if the Allison we see or read about, and admire is Allison trying to be like someone else? Might knowledege of admiration for a persona which has been adopted, rather than being true-to-self, make the situation/feelings worse?

      • http://twitter.com/Cro_Mag_Kir Kirill Chuchelin

        Sorry if i wrote something wrong. But it’s really rather difficult to express thoughts in a foreign language (English is foreign for me, unfortunately). So excuse me if i couldn’t properly formulate what i think about. My fault.

        • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

          There was nothing wrong with what you wrote. I was just trying to think deeply about what Allison is saying; wondering if she is concerned about how she portrays herself to her fans and the wider world. I am also sorry if what I wrote caused you to doubt yourself; everyone should be free to post positive and respectful comments here, IMHO.

          • http://twitter.com/Cro_Mag_Kir Kirill Chuchelin

            I understand. Agree with You.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kenkraly2004 Kenny Kraly Jr

    There is nothing wrong with trying to be like the most heroic people. But the most important thing is to not forget who you are and where you came from. Just be your self and love what you do.

  • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

    An honest, open and thought-provoking blog post, then a host of replies from compassionate and thoughtful people – it’s just like the good old days! :-)

    • Beth

      It definitely is! :)

  • http://twitter.com/Jon_Mills Jon Mills

    I think we all go through that and in many ways continue even if we think we have stopped doing it, we are still doing it.

    And those who we classed the heroic, were likely mimicking others, yet when we see it, it might appear original.

    Not much is original, but everyone puts there own twist on universal acts

    I think it comes down to the motivation, reasoning behind why we do things instead of just doing them…. and what would we do if we couldn’t do them, how would we view ourselves?

    I think it extends back to when we are kids, we arrive at school as our marvelous selfs, only to discover that we find ourselves in a playground of people. People who may be vastly different to us and yet for some…common.

    Naturally we want to fit in, be accepted… and not feel like the odd one out of the crowd, plus we’re curious buggers.

    I think teen years and 20′s are very much defined by that… a sense of wanting to jump on the bandwagon of everything that seems important to others, or others have convinced us that it should be important to us, but we’re not really, honestly sure if its important to us and somewhere around 30, it almost seems like a trend that many decide certain things aren’t as important…

    Yet if head in a different direction, what will others say?

    And even more important…we realize that we risk losing the very thing that we have allowed our identity to be defined by.

    For instance I spent the better part of my teens and 20′s involved in working with addicts and going to countries where people were in need, I wouldn’t change it for the world it was a great time in my life… but its not the direction that I feel as passionate about now.

    It’s not that I don’t feel those things are important anymore, as I still feel strongly about the need, but need will always be there.

    I question more now days my motivations and drive to be involved in ANYTHING that I give my time too, and really how effective my role is in the grand scheme of things is.

    If ever I think that as we age, the more we come to realize that what matters most is Honesty, honesty with yourself

    It reminds me of a quote by Bruce Lee, he said in an interview ” To me, martial arts means honestly expressing yourself, now its very difficult to do. I mean it is easy for me to put on a show and be cocky, and be flooded with a cocky feeling and feel pretty cool and all that. Or i can make all kinds of phony things — blinded by it, or I can show you some really fancy movement. But to express oneself honestly, not lying to oneself. And to express myself honestly, that my friend is very hard to do.”

    Its a great quote that I often try to remember.

    Here’s the thing… Martial arts can be related to any aspect of life, work, love, friendship etc…things can appear heroic, flamboyant… attracting the attention of our minds and the masses, but is it honest? what is the drive and motivation behind it? are we simply spinning our wheels, are we choosing to head in the right direction for this stage/moment of our life with the right motivation? driven out of love or fear? As those two pretty much are the basic primal reasons we do anything, though I don’t think we often recognize it until we ask ourselves the right questions or someone else does, until we ask ourselves can we walk away from it? and if not.. why not? fear or because of love?

    One thing is for sure getting honest with oneself, can take us through periods of time where things feel uncomfortable, it can make us even question if we have made the right decision, yet the doubts are part of the process.

    I would like to think that our journey in this life is a returning to oneself, a realization of who we are at our core.

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

      > Honesty, honesty with yourself

      “This above all, to thine own self be true., and it must follow, as the night the day,
      thou canst not then be false to any man.”; Polonius, “Hamlet”, act 1 scene 3.

  • becky

    This reminds me so much of your past blogs where we were given something so thoughtful and profound to think about throughtout our day or week. And your post is true of how often we try to imitate and emulate others who we consider greater or more heroic than we are. When in fact all we must do is tap into our own reserve of heroism and greatness. The best, most wonderful person you can ever be is yourself. Thanks, Allison, so much for this post:)

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

      Agreed; it was a very honest and brave post.

  • http://twitter.com/jhamilton_hall James Hall

    Confucius said that the Superior Person, when she sees good, she will emulate it. There no reason why that by emulating those ideals one sees as heroic, one should see one’s self as being inauthentic. It is clearly true that the path you are on now Allison, whether it is from what you consider a behavior modification or not, makes you someone to be emulated as well. Too many times we in the West tend to forget that community transcends individuality. We know for a fact that individuality is mere illusion, but we tend to concentrate on those things seemingly separated by “empty space,” until our constant breaking things apart has put the entire world in jeopardy. So now it is up to us as “individuals” to use our compassion to try to bridge that illusional gap that puts us in different minds. Each of us in this World Family should indeed become heroic in our own circles of influence; bringing about peace with our cousins that we daily interact with as extensions of the Cosmos, and hence extensions of each other. This very blog that allows us to contemplate on what may be heroic in our own eyes, puts forth you as a leader Allison, and your authenticity shines bright to us, as it has for quite a while. Be what you want to be Allison, and thank you for sharing with us the articulations of your inner struggles that we can relate too, as we live our own lives on that other side of Perception we have each been fortunate to be Focused.

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/ 3tesla

      Well put, Sir!

      > community transcends individuality

      What social scientists sometimes call the “human superorganism theory”; that humans are more like termites than we’d like to admit/think.

  • Aysha

    I agree with everyone. It’s great to have the familiar format of thought-provoking ideas from our dear Allison.

    On a psychological standpoint, it is sometimes at an unconscious level when we literally “mirror” behaviors and gestures of others that we are talking to face to face. We don’t realize we are doing it half of the time, which a lot of you have mentioned.

    I don’t feel there is anything wrong with trying to shadow what makes our heroes just that: heroes, but on the same note, one needs to find the line between appreciation and honoring someone vs. masking one’s own identity.

    On a more general note, it’s a lifelong journey to find one’s own true identity after stripping away externals such as status, wealth, and looks. If we can access a deeper part of ourselves by letting ourselves be still, and listen to our inner voice, we can rise above all those externals. I have just recently learned that from others, and I will carry those concepts with me for the rest of my life.

  • Brandon Borom

    “He failed in business in ’31. He was defeated for state legislator in ’32.He tried another business in ’33. It failed. His fiancee died in ’35. He had a nervous breakdown in ’36. In ’43 he ran for congress and was defeated. He tried again in ’48 and was defeated again. He tried running for the Senate in ’55. He lost.The next year he ran for Vice President and lost. In ’59 he ran for the Senate again and was defeated. In 1860, the man who signed his name A. Lincoln, was elected the 16th President of the United States. The difference between history’s boldest accomplishments and its most staggering failures is often, simply, the diligent will to persevere.”
    I have loved this quote for a very long time. I wish i were a bit more like you in morphing into people around me, my three sisters raised me to have a strong personality which i am grateful for. :)

  • Matt Montagne

    You are so right Allison! You inspire me to reach my full potential, because I too want to be an amazing actor such as yourself. Plus I thought you did an outstanding job when you were in Smallville and you give me hope that I could be as awesome as you. Not just as an actor but also as a person :)