The Cynical Romantic

I spent the last week rehearsing “This Old Love” by Lior to sing at a wedding for two of my closest friends. This morning I got the news that two more of my nearest and dearest are getting married. Last summer, I went to four weddings and it looks as though next year will be filled with a similar schedule. “I do. I do.” Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

 

People warned me I would be flooded with weddings when I entered my late 20s, but I had no idea it would be like this. Marriage, commitment and relationships are on the brain and I feel jaded. I feel skeptical. Critical. Righteous.

 

Every man I have met over the last three years I have described as “I really like him, but….”. I feel like a Seinfeld episode, searching for flaws in every experience to justify my decision to run in the other direction. Telling myself and every person who brings up the topic of romance that “I am much too busy and focused to take on a relationship right now.” I strive to make myself sound as important and independent as possible, convincing you while convincing me that there is nothing but ambition and vision at the root of my choice to remain single.

 

But there I am, sitting on the floor of my friends’ living room, blubbering away while they hold hands and exchange vows. The tears completely expose the truth: my hard approach to love is a total act. I can’t hide the fact that I love love.

 

And in this moment, surrounded by a community of friends and family who have gathered to celebrate these two people and their love, I am swept away by my honest opinion. The strength of their love hits me like a wave and drags me off my beach of cynicism and leaves me without a bathing suit coughing up saltwater. I have been schooled. Love can be like that.

 

Their love is splattered in technicolor on every corner of the room. Every sight, sound, and smell is an effect of how they are together. Lilies, gerber daisies, birds of paradise and eucalyptus branches fill the room with their home countries, South Africa and Australia. Chocolates in the shape of Buddha’s and gluten-free dishes cover every single table and Roberta Flack’s voice carries their feet down the stairs as they seemingly float, barefooted, to the front of the room. She is an elegant, natural woman with a sweetness so organic she can’t help but radiate. He is a graceful and soulful leader so full of depth and wisdom just his presence reminds me of what I aspire to be. Together they act as a team of elevation, love, promise, and strength.

 

I sit in the front row listening to my friends exchange their vows and I start to think about what it means that they are doing this. My friends are making life-long commitments to something that has no guarantees. There is no product they can walk away with, nothing to pick up to prove its existence. Love. A completely intangible, ephemeral experience. An experience based in trust and truly just “taking someone’s word for it.”

 

I have had two major loves in my life, and both I assumed I would marry at one point or another. I went so far as to tattoo one’s name on my chest, and start a family of animals with the other. I was so caught up in the romance of this “feeling” that I gave myself a permanent brand and two new dependants.

 

When my last relationship ended so did much of my belief in eternal love. I had a very naive perspective. I believed love should be easy. I believed commitment should never feel like a challenge and love should always feel good. I felt entitled to this fantasy and got angry at myself and my partner for being so complicated. Couldn’t he just match the picture in my head? What was so difficult about being my boyfriend marionette?

 

But I have given up the belief that love is like a water slide.

 

Love and commitment are no longer simple concepts I copy from a Disney movie. I can’t fool myself into believing the John Hughes story line where all the girl’s hopes and dreams come true when she opens the door to a new car and her latest crush. I am learning to know better.

 

I am beginning to understand the reality of what it takes to uphold that commitment. To have the courage to unlock your box of fears and let Pandora have her way. Abandon your ego, and invite the muddy, unclear, soft mushy parts of your soul just hang out there. It is so messy, unpredictable. It feels so unsafe, so unknown, yet so, so passionately alive.

 

I hear my name called and I am snapped back to the wedding. Oh yeah, my friends are getting married. I walk to the front of the room with my band mates, it is time to sing our song. And with a snot-filled Kleenex clutched in front of me, mascara running down my cheeks and eyes leaking like the kitchen faucet in my first apartment. I sing a song of appreciation to my friends. My friends who are committing to early morning kisses with unmasked kitten breath, heart breaking misunderstandings, unclear or unmet expectations, and vowing to let their guts hang out so they can unabashedly and honestly swan dive head first into this exposing, cumbersome, tender, gorgeous, vertiginous life long dance. What an honor.

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  • Bree Brouwer

    After three and a half years of marriage (I know it’s not long) and having just seen my sister get married this past weekend after 5+ years of dating, I can assure you that you are finally on the right road to understanding the un-Disney-like version of love.

  • Tim Hodges

    I don’t know alot about the topic at hand but what i do know is this. Everyone has a path that they must walk. Wether its a path of being in and out of relationships or being able to find that one person that makes your heart flutter and everything that gose along with that. -T.P.H.

  • Aaron

    I’m not so sure I see a cynic writing this. That isn’t to deter you from creating your own reality, I just see someone who maybe loves with her heart deeper than most, someone who’s willing to put more on the line and has gotten burned or just flat-out disappointed how things turned out. I’ve been there for sure, and it’s not a savory feeling in the slightest. Instead of giving you the ra-ra cheerleader response, maybe you just need to be reminded that God’s delays are not God’s denials. We must go through some trials of the heart and head to prepare us for better things to come. When you look at things in this light, then any difficult situation becomes an opportunity to grow, to become more, to contribute more. It is only through life’s trials that we get closer to what we are meant to experience, and yeah, love is the big one.

    I hope this comment finds you well.

    Aaron

  • gr1z2ly

    Wow, I find it difficult to believe that such raw emotion could have been put into words so eloquently. The way that you express yourself is amazing, it is as though I’m sitting there in your position myself. Although I am young and have very little experience in these situations, I think it is great that you look at them in such a good light but as you say you also perceive them as a fairytale; unattainable fantasies. But I assure you given the right amount of time you will find someone who you are insanely happy with and will not mind just sitting around doing nothing with. I’m pretty sure this won’t help much but I absolutely believe that with a heart and a brain like yours, the person you are looking for would be lucky to have you.

  • Logan Estrella Hooten

    Amazing out of all your thoughts that you write out that this is the latest one for me a a first time reader. I myself am looking for true love as well, that perfect relationship with a woman who really enjoys my presence and thoughts and musical appreciations….I thought I had it, it was the best 2 weeks of my life. But Christmas day she decided she would rather take a man that doesn’t fulfill her emotionally, but instead financially. I don’t kno if I still have a shot with her, but it doesn’t hurt to try. Coincidentally, I also thought I had it last night for about 3 hours lol, a dream of you being my girlfriend, probaly the most craziest dream I’ve ever had and do vivid! Nevertheless, I have autographs of Tom, Michael, and Kristin, but none would be as momentous as that, or a drink and thought provoking conversation. :)

  • William

    I’ve just read this and I said to myself : this is the kind of thing that’s happening inside my head… maybe I don’t believe in eternal love anymore… but your writing up there gave me a second thought.. anyway, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, as always, I love to read them

    Will

  • Staystrong87

    Hi Allison,

    I’m not as artistic with words as most of the kind people on here, but the thing is, that hallmark husband your heart wants IS out there… it is too easy to settle, find that person that ”fits” in your life.. You should never have to try to be with someone, one day you’ll meet someone who you swear you’d been best friends with for years..and only anticipating the years to come..someone who gives you butterflies when you’ve only seen their scarf left on your couch from the night before.. patience is hard..relationships never should be..

  • http://twitter.com/karlaNathaly_s2 Karla Nathaly

    Hi Allison,

    There’s a line (actually part of a sentence) of a writer named Clarice Lispector and I quite like in english would look something like this:
    “not search understand, to live beyond all understanding.”
    There are things in life that were not made to be understood, but lived. Love is one of those things and he reaches out to everyone. Sooner or later, when you least expect it, it will come to you.
    (Sorry my english)

  • Cathedryl

    Young Allison, you are wise in a world that seems to have moved the value of wisdom way down the list of “must haves.” Thank you for sharing yourself in such honest fashion. I was checking online to see what one of the best actress/director/vocalists/etc. in the world was up to these days. I was elated to see that your maturation and progress (although painful at times), is on track. Love is truly an amazing, living thing. I would go as far as to call it a “being” at times. At the end of the day, no matter what I or anyone else says, love has and will continue to punk us. Yet, in the same day it can lift us to our highest self. I am joyfully married to my best friend of twenty years. Now I say joyfully, not happily. Happily lends to a foolish notion of people running around smiling all day long, because someone magically does everything we want just the way we like it. We are joyfully married. We did not begin that way. Our lives have taken us away from each other and re-united us in different ways, finally settling us together in inseparable devotion to a family that now has three insane creatures of pure energy growing us as we pour into them. I pray that you will reflect on this stage of life one day with a smile, from a future joy of your own. Live on, Allison. Live on. By the way, can you show these current one-dimensional wanna-be’s how it’s done?

  • Tenotspam-bman

    Hi Allison!

    I was just watching SMALLVILLE which reminded me, you might not check your Ask Allison videos any more. So I just wanted to say that I posted a comment yesterday. I was hoping you could make more of those videos. Thank you Allison.

  • Zach

    Oddly enough even though I’m in my early twenties nearly all of my best friends have already promised themselves away, sadly I won’t even have the chance to cry at my lack of some eternal loving soul mate in my life. Instead I’ll be filling my time far away from everyone I know, specifically in China. I admire that you have the courage to keep going and watching your friends say “I do” without giving up hope. For me, I’m just going to pretend to have an early adulthood crush on you and get far away from my life until I’m ready to step up and let down my guard for a real relationship to come along.
    Best of luck to you

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/index2.html 3tesla

      What do you plan to be doing in China?

      • Zach

        I’ll be studying.. Exploring, and probably teaching as well. I’ve been planning to go back since I went there in high school though so this is many years in the making

        • http://www.manton.karoo.net/index2.html 3tesla

          Sounds varied and stimulating; hope you have a great and safe time!

          • Zach

            Thanks, I really appreciate that

  • Zsolti

    Szia Allison!

    All dictionaries defines marriage as the consensual legal commitment between woman and man. But too many of us build the image of our ideal image and relationship based on TV or film situation. Real life can never keep up with the portrayal of relationships in the Soaps or Sitcoms. So often we require perfection in a relationship and give up too easily when we find out that the person we fell in love with has flaws. We are shocked to discover that our perfect woman or man is obsessed with football, or spends too much on shoes. We don’t know what to do when the real person doesn’t match up with the list we have created in our minds. Relationships are hard work. Things do not just fall into place like they do in the Disney movies. Accepting a person’s flaws and loving them anyway is real love. Because real love is not blind. Real love has its eyes open, and loves anyway…

    Zsolti

  • http://twitter.com/jhamilton_hall James Hall

    I like the Amplified Bible translation as some people don’t realize that there are three words in Greek that are translated into English as love. It’s most confusing in John 21 when Jesus (appearing after his Resurrection) :

    13 Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.
    15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love [agapao] me more than these?”
    “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love [phileo] you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
    16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love [agapao] me?”
    He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love [phileo] you.”
    Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
    17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love [phileo] me?”
    Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love [phileo]
    me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love [phileo] you.” (John 21: 13-17 NIV)

    Peter was hurt/grieved when Jesus finally used the term phileo instead of agapao. Now that verse in 1 Corinthians uses the term agape, a different tense of agapao, and originally translated as ‘charity’ to indicate the highest function of the term ‘love’.

    Ultimate Reality (The Entity formerly known as God) dwells in each of us, but with our free will, it’s not easily recognized. Of course, it is written that Jesus did recognize this relationship:

    21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— (John 17:21-22, NIV)

    Thus, the last commandment for us is that we all love each other as we love ourselves. May it come to pass.

    Happy Martin Luther King Day to one and all.

  • http://twitter.com/jhamilton_hall James Hall

    I like the Amplified Bible translation as some people don’t realize that there are three words in Greek that are translated into English as love. It’s most confusing in John 21 when Jesus (appearing after his Resurrection) :

    13 Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.
    15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love [agapao] me more than these?”
    “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love [phileo] you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
    16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love [agapao] me?”
    He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love [phileo] you.”
    Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
    17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love [phileo] me?”
    Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love [phileo]
    me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love [phileo] you.” (John 21: 13-17 NIV)

    Peter was hurt/grieved when Jesus finally used the term phileo instead of agapao. Now that verse in 1 Corinthians uses the term agape, a different tense of agapao, and originally translated as ‘charity’ to indicate the highest function of the term ‘love’.

    Ultimate Reality (The Entity formerly known as God) dwells in each of us, but with our free will, it’s not easily recognized. Of course, it is written that Jesus did recognize this relationship:

    21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— (John 17:21-22, NIV)

    Thus, the last commandment for us is that we all love each other as we love ourselves. May it come to pass.

    Happy Martin Luther King Day to one and all.

  • http://twitter.com/Sara_Mess Sara MESSADIA

    Don’t lose hope ! Love will find you someday and you will live those happy hours too. I believe that everybody will find love one day. We just have to wait.

    Anyway, this is the first time I come here and I read your posts. I like the way you write and I think I’ll come more often.

    PS : Sorry for any mistake, I’m French and I skipped some English classes. Please don’t tell… ^_^

  • Mark Overton

    Allison,

    Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts and feelings… especially paragraph seven… at times love may appear to be illusionary to the heart and soul… love is a reflection of our being… our experience in love is like a two way mirror… at times we experience it from one side and other times we see it as a reflection…

    Mother Teresa said … “Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.”

    Pease…
    Mark

  • Icthacker

    I remember this lesson…it happened right after my divorce. I was married for 10 years…I think it was like the 1st year realizing I couldn’t date anyone else anymore…HA! My dad had to tell me…we were 17years old, talk about naive.

    Then I was single for 8 years. I only dated the last year of those 8 years. Strangely, the number 8 is the number of “New Beginnings”…biblically speaking that is. The whole time I was single, people always tried to make me feel like I was not “complete”, or like there was something wrong with me…but I was perfectly content. I enjoyed my own company. Then one day my ex comes back into the picture and the timing was impeccable. I could not ignore the surrounding circumstances and mostly the timing it all. I wish I could say it was a whirlwind romance, but it was as the movie title “Love Comes Softly”.

    I think we just realized that we are our own person and have agreed to live this life together. We know our faults and they are what they are, we try our best to put up with each other, and we know that it’s the best anyone can do. For the most part we are really good friends, and we like joking around when we’re together. Our kids are a hilarious extension of the best parts of us.

    Our Anniversary is coming up in Feb. we’ll be together again for 3 years.

    Hang in there buddy! It’ll happen for you when you’re not looking for it.

    -Irene

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/index2.html 3tesla

      Thanks for sharing your touching story, Irene!

      > Our Anniversary is coming up in Feb. we’ll be together again for 3 years.

      Do you count that as your third or thirteenth anniversary?

      • Icthacker

        It’s kinda funny actually, because we were so different in our youth and really hurt each other we refer to those years as our “previous marriage” to that person. LOL! It’s kinda funny because this story was more complex, but to keep it simple, we’re together by the grace of God.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AFFVFTTPDEWP3HHORC644HGDMQ Rainer

    Love is

    Love is not a feeling, it might come from it.
    Love is to do things right, despite of pain or fear.
    Love is not to do only nice things, it can be painful and do harm.
    Sex is not love, it might come along with it.
    Romantic is just one color from many and not the brightest.
    To love for having a good feeling is not love, it is selfish.
    To be selfish is not bad, it’s just a love limited to yourself.
    Love is not only to care about others, it’s to take care of yourself.
    Revenge is never love, it is the lack of it.
    Lack of love kills, the body might still walk.
    Love is to respect other creatures, instead of making them a steak.
    Love is not talking, it is doing.
    Love is not only a gift, it is work.
    Love is to give everyone a chance, and close the door.
    Love is not to be a superhero, it is to make it right within the own perimeters.
    Love is not to sacrifice, it is to live.
    Love is not yes or no, it is to have both at it’s right place.
    Love is not to believe in something, it is knowledge.
    Love is not light, but fades away in the dark.
    Love is everywhere, but seldom awake.
    Love is eternal, just not always at your side.

    not what you think.

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/index2.html 3tesla

      > Love is not only a gift, it is work.

      I like that!

    • Rox

      Yes, i do like this side of “love” , but the powerful emotions , the passion , the bond with another human being, the pain in your chest when you miss him , the moments when you feel like you are whole. You can work as hard as you want with the wrong person and never have anything like that. Love it not a plan that you can start and finish. I think everything that you said is perfectly right for the relationship with the person you love.

  • YeahRandas

    I’m sure you don’t check these comments very often, Allison, but if you do:

    First, I think your a very good writer, as much as my opinion weighs. You have a casual but intense way of putting words to the page, and you don’t shirk from self-examination, even in those (rare) moments where you don’t like what you find out. It’s definitely one of your many gifts.

    Second, a good portion of my friends are married, most with children. And while I am happy for their happiness, (and jealous of their fat babies!), I know that I’m not ready to be married. I’ve got a few years on you, so I know about the pressure to be with someone for the sake of ‘not being alone’. It’s not worth it, for a thousand reasons. In the end it all unravels and the heartbreak is real for both sides. If your finding reasons to stay single, perhaps that’s because in your heart you know you’re not ready to start again. I don’t believe in ‘the one’, and I don’t believe that love is easy. In my (limited and in no way universally true) experience, love is negotiation and compromise. And it’s really, really hard to do those things sometimes. Especially when you’re trying to build a career, trying to discover yourself, and trying to see where in the world you belong. So, after that long winded and fatuous build up, what I getting to is that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you’ve been through some difficult situations with your previous relationships, and maybe you need a nice long break to put yourself back together. So maybe just enjoy being single, and keep your mind and heart open to what’s out there, so when it happens (and of course it will) you’re ready to leap.

    Last, just so you know, you inspired me to write a little poem/song, which I will refrain from posting here. You may be grateful for that reprieve at your leisure. ;)

  • Anonymous

    Ciao Allison! I love your website and your blog! I think it’s such a nice thing to share opninons/ideas and thoughts with the people who support you and follow your career .. so thanks for the opportunity :) In reference to “Love” … I am soooo old school romantic that sometimes, looking around and facing the true reality of the society we today live in, I believe I should change *_* but it’s a pity ….what’s best tahn Love left? What’s better than a smile that gives you a heartbeat and feel totally devoted to that special person, madly in love and ready to fight against the whole world to keep him/her close to you? I have been with the man of my dreams for 9 years .. through rough and happy times, ups and downs, but I wake up every morning and HE still is all I have ever wanted and dreamt of, I go to bed at night hoping to dream about him over and over again .. I have made sacrifices for this relationship, that never felt such as they all came out naturally for me, I moved to a foreign country to be close to him, and I still put all the best efforts because it is a constant commitment, it never stops, it needs focus, passion, loyalty and dedication. It is just like a plant! I don’t think it’s just the fact of being in love with love .. it’s a whole lot more, it’s deeper, it’s an exclusive unconditional feeling that grows day by day .. making you and your special one feel like 1 whole .. I still believe that love wins all and maybe I can be called a “dreamer” but if that’s the case, to still believe in good and happy and healthy things in life then..please don’t ever wake me up ;)

    Congrats again on everything you do! I love your works! Keep it up the great job!

    • http://www.manton.karoo.net/index2.html 3tesla

      > I have been with the man of my dreams for 9 years

      Heart-felt congratulations! And here’s to at least nine more contented years together!

  • Anonymous

    Ciao Allison! I love your website and your blog! I think it’s such a nice thing to share opninons/ideas and thoughts with the people who support you and follow your career .. so thanks for the opportunity :) In reference to “Love” … I am soooo old school romantic that sometimes, looking around and facing the true reality of the society we today live in, I believe I should change *_* but it’s a pity ….what else is left other than Love? What’s better than a smile that gives you a heartbeat and feel totally devoted to that special person, madly in love and ready to fight against the whole world to keep him/her close to you? I have been with the man of my dreams for 9 years .. through rough and happy times, ups and downs, but I wake up every morning and HE still is all I have ever wanted and dreamt of, I go to bed at night hoping to dream about him over and over again .. I have made sacrifices for this relationship, (which, by the way, never felt as sacrifices because they all came out naturally for me) I moved to a foreign country to be close to him, and I still put all the best efforts because it is a constant commitment, it never stops, it needs focus, passion, loyalty and dedication. It is just like a plant! I don’t think it’s just the fact of being in love with love .. it’s a whole lot more, it’s deeper, it’s an exclusive unconditional feeling that grows day by day .. making you and your special one feel like 1 whole .. I still believe that love wins all and maybe I can be called a “dreamer” but if that’s the case, to still believe in good, beautiful and healthy things in life then..please don’t ever wake me up ;)

    Congrats again on everything you do! I love your work! Keep it up the great job!

  • Rivergoat

    It is only possible to learn a little about you, Allison, from your work, your posts on the web, what your co-workers have said about you. But even so, it seems that it is everyone else’s loss not to discover love in or with you, whether a casual friendship, or deeply intimate encounter. You seem a truly special person, and if all I have to know you by are the posts I read on line, then I feel just that more special to have known you…a little.

  • Lane

    Patience brings about an understanding, not only of others but of oneself. This applies to both those looking for a relationship and to those in a relationship. Happiness can be overlooked in the rush to find it without even realizing it. Einstein once said “Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001212019070 Luis Ernesto Garcia Riojas

    All the feelings that you have about your friends are so beautiful.
    I am too young(i have 17 years old)to know what is the reason of the love,when it come´s to us or how we can eat it(that was a joke)but my short life has taught me that live is awesome. Maybe many people have very much work and they forgotten to smile, to feel live but the happiness are in all the parts…we just must take a look around to the exterior and breathe the magnificent wind to believe in all the nicest things that we can realize.:)
    (sorry for my bad english but i am a mexican boy and is very difficult to me express what i feel in english)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tony-Hall/1013443906 Tony Hall

    I thought the same way about love & had learned early on in life that its no fairytale, it can be hard sometime being alone but i know that some day i’ll to find that special (or at lessed thats what everyone say) & so will you kid. Yes it may take awhile & you will have good days as well as bad ones with them & there will be times when the two of you will be very angry at eachother while other times super in love & happy! From what i’ve learned from other people including my brothers marrige, is that it’s no disney movie there will be alot of work to it but in the end will be well worth it! ;)

  • Olwyn

    You have a beautiful way with words, brutally honest, heart breaking and yet joyous and uplifting. We are all guilty of viewing famous people as untouchable and aloof but to read about you having shingles or even just walking about your city is so refreshing.
    As for love…well you are going to feel how you feel and no amount of advice or experience can over-rule your heart. I hope you find what you didn’t know you were looking for and thank you for being you.

    Ol

  • http://twitter.com/MaldwynD Maldwyn Dobbs

    Wow! I like the way your mind works Allison. Love really is terrifying and lovely all at the same time. My own experiences have shown me that relationships can’t be gone into lightly. I made the mistake of believing i loved someone once a very long time ago. It caused the greatest upheaval and hurt imaginable. I have not been in a relationship since(though i truly crave one) I hope that when it decides to appear, You will recognize it and be truly happy. I don’t believe, As humans we are meant to live life alone, I truly hope that you will find your soulmate soon. And if miracles truly happen then maybe even i will find that one special person. I hope ou continue to be the superb and lovely person you are.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/3DFLW53LIPMCY5QMZZGZVQKGY4 Brett

    Hello, I’m not sure if this is the real Allison Mack’s website but I am willing to believe. I am watching Smallville over again with my friend and I just love your character and your smile. My friends all disagree with me when I say that you are the prettiest girl on the show but I still insist. I thought that you would want to know that you are my crush which is werid because I haven’t had one of those since like 5th grade. The reason I am telling you this is because I know that when someone told me that they had a crush on me that I felt good. I just want to at least, out of my childish crush, maybe make you feel a little better knowing that their is still teenagers falling for you. Thank you and I hopw you get a new role soon.
    -Brett

  • Rebecca and Shawn Jones

    Having been around the block at age 37, I’ve learned that the world is full of good people… but they’re not all good for each other. True love, the truest union found both within and without a marriage, takes two people willing to surrender the worst part of themselves for the best part of someone else. This act leaves one feeling vulnerable and exposed, but success comes from the strength and commitment of the other watching over you with sword and shield; defending you in an act of self-preservation. After all, isn’t that what a union is: a partnership of souls, two bodies becoming one, synergy? If you live your life for him and he lives his life for you, is that so unfamiliar? Doesn’t your lungs live for your heart and your brain for your soul?

    What you’ve experienced is a cancerous love, a love that exists for itself. The men you were with (for whatever reason) would not surrender themselves to you. Love is an all or nothing proposition and these men left themselves with parachutes on their backs.

    I can’t tell you what language true love will speak to you when you find it, but when I found my wife four years ago true love felt like finding my best friend, like coming home at Christmas and seeing all the colors and smelling all the aromas and hearing all the music and feeling all the warmth. And it wasn’t enough for me to just KNOW this and expect it to always be there like some men do as they return to their long hours at work and read their newspapers at the dinner table. I wanted to nurture the love my wife gave to me. I wanted to connect with it and weave it so deeply into my psyche that I grew addicted to it and would die without it.

    Since the day my wife and I met we’ve never spent a day apart from one another. We make our friendship and our marriage priority over all other friendships and commitments (even our children who will one day pursue loves of their own) because life as we know it doesn’t exist without both of us working at it like pistons in a most efficient machine.

    After two divorces under my belt and one under her’s, my wife and I are living proof that miracles do happen, true love does exist and success can be achieved when you and your soul mate take that leap of faith as each others parachutes.

  • S. Marie

    Hey Allison,
    The right guy will come along when you least expect it. I am still waiting for the right guy but until then I will just live my life accomplishing my other endeavors. I don’t know if you like country but on Terri Clark’s Roots & Wings album is a song called “The One” and it seems that it fits into you life right now and it good to support your friends as they make the commitment. So the advice I give just live your life pursuing you other goals.

  • Stevenazari

    Hey Allison,
    I know how you feel, I’m in my late 20′s, still single and seeing my friends getting married, even one of the biggest ladies man I know, has now settled down and got a dog with his girlfriend and I swear I thought he was going to be one of those old men pestering college (uk university) girls, I’m semi hoping he goes back to his old habits so he doesn’t marry before me, I deserve that much!!!

    I think the biggest thing I miss about being in a good solid relationship is the openness, not trying to look your best to impress them, living how you would as if the person wasn’t in the room and knowing they like you for that.

    One of the best moments I have had from a relationship is waking up to find shaving cream on my face covered in cookie crumbs and a big heart drawn on my chest with arms, legs and a big smile, the culprit in question was sitting next to me, scoffing MY breakfast that she made for me but said it tasted too good to go to waste on “a mere man”…. so she had 2 bowls of strawberries and yoghurt. Men need strawberry goodness too! :( revenge was sweeter the following morning.

    Anyway, is there any part of it that you miss?
    Steven – From Wales, UK

  • Anonymous

    Hey Allison,

    I always thought I’d be married at 25, drive a red sports car. I’m 32 now, do not have a girlfriend or the red sports car.

    The girl missing in this picture is of the utmost importance to me. Love means more than anything. Sports car schmorts car. I could take it or leave it. The girl however is a must.

    People have told me that if I’m happy with myself, I won’t need a girl. Yeah yeah. Don’t think so.

    Some of my friends have gotten married and have started families. One has moved back with his parents in order to provide financial support for them.

    I hold on to hope. Hope that someone artistic, well-versed and beautiful on the inside and out exists for me. I hope that I exist for her.

    I’m glad that you blog and share some of your delicate thoughts with the interweb. From what I’ve read from time to time I infer that you have a kind heart, gentle soul. You’re beautiful. There’s really no way around it. I’m sure you’ve heard that lots of times.

    I hope we both find the one we’re supposed to be with. Don’t settle. I believe we both deserve the best.
    Mike

  • Einiw05

    wow!! it seems like reading a blog-after-blog.. comments below are so poetic…

  • http://www.facebook.com/thedalaillama Nathan Crenshaw

    The “hey, look, I found my soul mate, and that should console you” comments make me nearly nauseous.

    I’m 27. My friends are getting married so fast, I wonder if I might not have any friends by the end of summer. I feel happy for them, of course, but every time it gets harder to ignore the nagging pain: “I’m still alone,” the heart says. “Nobody picked me.” I haven’t found what they’ve found, and I’m jealous of the feeling. Aselfish part of me wants to steal their feeling and keep it for myself.

    I’m oddly comforted by Cyrano de Bergerac:

    I do not lull me with illusions – yet
    At times I’m weak: in evening hours dim
    I enter some fair pleasance, perfumed sweet;
    With my poor ugly devil of a nose
    I scent spring’s essence – in the silver rays
    I see some knight – a lady on his arm,
    And think ‘To saunter thus ‘neath the moonshine,
    I were fain to have my lady, too, beside!’
    Thought soars to ecstasy. . .O sudden fall!
    - The shadow of my profile on the wall!

    We take comfort not from dewy-eyed couples but from Monsieur de Bergerac, because *we* love him. Beneath his caustic words and prickly exterior, even beyond his hideous nose, we see the vulnerable heart inside the shell of armor and hard words. And seeing, we love him. “If I can love him,” our heart says, “then maybe someone can love me too.” And then my soul is satisfied.

    The heart breaks and breaks
    and lives by breaking.
    It is necessary to go
    through dark and deeper dark
    and not to turn.

  • Anonymous

    Allison, there is such thing as “thinking too much”. No, life and love are not like a Disney movie. Happily ever after isn’t just handed to us. The biggest mistake people make is always being on the lookout for “true love”, especially when they are in a relationship. “Is this true love?”. I can tell you it doesn’t work like that. Here’s what some people never realize or figure out – The person you marry should be your best friend. Period. Every relationship has the new, intense stage where it’s just a whirlwind of love and emotions. But when things settle down (and they always do) you need to be waking up to and living with your best friend. Somebody who you can talk to about anything and everything, and they you. But if you consider anybody else but your partner your best friend? It won’t work. You will be always second guessing yourself. You need to be each other’s best friends.

    You have to like being around the person you love. Tattoos, dogs, etc…. they are signs of being infatuated with someone. Even trying to convince yourself by creating a more permanent reason to be around someone. But true love, something that isn’t predetermined or “destined”, comes when you don’t try to force it. And you know what? You don’t even realize it’s true love until a few years pass. Once you get past the first few years and you’re able to be sitting on the couch reading a book with “bed head” and your unshaven legs laying across your man’s lap while he’s on his iPad eating Doritos and you both are 100% completely comfortable with each other and the life you have – THAT is true love.

    Can you guarantee that nothing will ever happen to separate you two? No. But true love is “knowing” that the person next to you wants to, and will do everything they can within their power to make sure they are by your side forever.

  • Dave

    Allright, I’m going to shoot from the hip on this one. Get your chin up girl, as I may not know you, I truly believe that the trials of “the search” help to open your mind to what you want on a real level. Life isn’t the movies and things can get, well, bumpy. I’m just some random guy from Illinois you don’t know, and won’t ever meet so what do I know, I believe love requires a toughness, not just tenderness with a “wow factor”. Just sayin’

    Dave

  • Joseph Dunnam

    Hey Allison,
    This is Joseph Dunnam aka @Dunnam0127. I love the maturity you’ve gained about LOVE. I learned it from The Ten Commandments of Dating. People say “LOVE doesn’t pay the bills “. That’s FALSE. Love is a verb. It is an ACT to keep the family less stressed. Therefore LOVE. I hope I can hear from you on Twitter again . Have a great day @allisonmack .

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/JOONCHLZ5VRLR6TGDCFLXZ6THI Shinti

    Allison, stop over analyzing “love”. First, have whomever you marry sign a prenuptial agreement. You deserve to have your assets protected. It’s all about the money no matter what you say. You are jaded because you are a public figure. It’s too bad.

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/JOONCHLZ5VRLR6TGDCFLXZ6THI Shinti

      I totally agree with my comment lol

  • Esmik78

    Allison,
    About your story….I think I have never read something so truly, so passionately, so …deeply . I really hope one day you will find a soulmate. And…I guess….love will find you in right time..Just stop thinking and start feel things through your heart :)

    You know…man of your dreams is upthere somewhere ;) I know that.

    Have a nice life.

    Love, @esmik78

  • Colin

    Hey Allison,

    I agree with many people here.

    It can be hard I have only recently seen how hard it can be, but in the end living with your heart out there is so much better.

    I don’t have the love of my life yet, but I know that I have love in my life and I just know that I will find the one when she and I are ready.

    Good luck with your path I know you will find them :-)

    Colin

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/James-Jeans/100000051694030 James Jeans

    Yeah, love is a definitely difficult road.

    I’m going on 30 now and have had one significant relationship. One person who loved me as much as I loved her. To say that relationship burned bright but ended poorly would be a grave understatement. That first love is the strongest, and it leaves a long-lasting impression. How we move on from there is what’s important. I still haven’t managed to move on; life got complicated, things sort of swirled out of control, and 10 years later I’m still single. I can’t say I’m happy about that, but I’ve learned to be comfortable with it.

    The last time I let myself get emotionally attached to someone, it ended with me attending her wedding to a close friend of mine. I never really believed in the concept of bittersweet outcomes before, but if ever there was one, that was it. I was immensely sad to see her getting married, but I was happy to see my friends happy. It’s the ultimate catch 22.

    So maybe things really are better the way they are now, yeah? I might not be particularly happy single, but it’s a whole lot easier than the alternatives.

    • Colin

      James, I have to say from experience you should take chances with finding someone. Not saying to look for that person, but to go out there and be around people.
      If you are truly happy being single then you know you are, if you aren’t sure then you know your aren’t.

      Love is painful, difficulty, sometimes cruel and evil. but it’s also passionate, amazing, heart warming and so very much worth the trouble and tears in the end.

      I’ve been hurt more times than I would hvae lived, i’ve had my heart broken many times with many long term relationships, but in the end the moments of love where so worth the pain and I will always keep looking for the true love of my life.

      Never give up, and never story trying. :-)

      Colin

  • KurtM

    Some Thoughts of me …(a sometimes ironical view with a twinkle)
    Uh – it`s easier thinking about it, then writing it down (for me in English).
    In the South of Germany – where I come from – in the good old “Black Forest” and near beside it, there are living the “Schwaben” (Swabians).
    One of the Attributes of those weird people is the live device “schaffen, sparen, Häusle bauen” ( to work, to put (money) aside, to build a house)…
    In Reality this is shown in the “normal” life career of a typical member of these people – not all, but most of them.
    Here are a few sentences about how it works (because I’m a male, I will show it in that kind of view):
    After finishing school, he’s going to learn a job/occupation, career, profession – whatever.
    But he finally remains in the (small) village where he was born or most comes back to it. In most cases he remains also in the factory, where he had learned his job.
    He has 1-2 girlfriends, and at the latest, the third is for marriage *eg*..
    Then its time “to put aside” for a house and a few years later the house-building begins. One or two children are completing the happy family and one alone or all together are members in different associations like rifle club, fools guild, football- or tennis club and so on.
    So it goes on and on. The man is getting older, the children are growing, the wife cares for man, kids, garden and girlfriends – and the house will be fully paid, some day …
    In the age of 65, the working has finished and he enjoys his retirement together with his wife, while the children are starting an analogue career ;)

    So far the theory. Oh, it works. Sure.

    But it doesn’t work together with me.
    School? Ok. Highschool? Ok. I made my engineer.
    Girlfriend? Mhh .. one .. two.. the third was missing ;)
    Working at home city? Allover, but not there.
    So I often sat down on my chair or sofa and thought about others and me. Others with her luck in their easy lives. Their job, wife, family and all together.
    And so, sometimes I was getting frustrated. Nothing was going as “perfect” as the way of my friends.
    No, I wasn’t unhappy. I had a good job and was successful. But I thought, something was missing. My life wasn’t like others.
    And WOW! One day, I found “the third girlfriend” and we married (years later than others). And we had children. Years later, the house was built. And all was wonderful.

    All?
    Mhh
    No!

    My Job already was 100km away from home. Some years later about 500km.
    After all – something went wrong … in this “career”. It doesn’t fit to the others ^^

    Time passed … and today – I’m solo again.
    I thought about it. Why did everything happen like it had happened?
    Was it destiny?
    Karma ?
    Anyway – I have the impression it wasn’t the right way for me to get married and to own a house until the evening of my life – after all it was an experience I don’t want to miss.

    What is my reason for writing this? Why am I writing it down?
    Your posting inspired me.

    There are many thoughts behind these words, impossible to say it all in this short posting. Rather a Theme to speak und discuss about it for a longer time …

    But perhaps an essence of all is:
    You must not … you don’t have to be and live like others. Others may be happy to be and live like 90% of all people. But it isn’t a MUST, also to do it in either way. You can try it, but don’t be dashed, if it goes wrong. Perhaps you have other targets. May be, it’s better to be an exception and life is ok.
    Or must life be bad, if we are not like others?

    Keep it real, Allison, stay the girl you are.
    I like your smile …

  • Elemmire

    I totally agree with you. When I was 18 I met a boy, truly handsome, and it seemed he looked at me like he liked me. Then I found a lot of things I didn’t like of him, and the illusion was lost. Like two years ago I met another boy. Mature, agreeable, and I thought “He’s the one”. But it seems he didn’t think of me the same way. It’s almost a year that I haven’t seen him, still I can’t stop thinking of him every day. So, I understand you, I’m becoming cynical, but still I’m a hopeless romantic. Nice post. Thank you :)

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/SMLEZAJ5YE34XWXHIN23PJJQX4 lotlot

    Oh. MY. GOD! You took the exact thoughts out of my hear and soul…thank you so much Ms.Allison! You are one of the empowering figures I look up to! God bless you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/James-Steele/731751035 James Steele

    I think you’ve said it best yourself; relationships need work to last, no matter how much two people love each other. And also, there needs to be a fair bit of flexiblity in there..to realise and understand that not eveyrbody is perfect (especially ourselves!).

    This didn’t really hit me until I had decided that I was going to ask my wife to marry me. One day, I realised that all the silly little things that often made me crazy, were also things that I loved about her. Without these idiostyncriasies, she wouldn’t be the woman that I love.

    Of course, once I realised this, I couldn’t wait until the next day when we were due to travel to Budapest for a long weekend and propose somewhre romantic, such as the Citadela overlooking the city. No. I had to ask her the night before, as she was brushing her teeth before bed.

    What’s to be that she wasn’t driven a little bit nuts by my own behaviour? :)

  • javier

    interesting.Greetings from Argentina.

  • Dream Walker

    Love… its unexplainable, untamable but all powerful – it gives You wings but can also trash You into mud. When You fall in love with someone, You will do anything for them, go no matther how far, just to have them in Youre life.
    Reality however is, that we are all unique, we have our flaws our “kinks”, our perks. No relationships “just work”, okay maybe… but i have yet to see one even less experience one. Prolly 1 out of million if at all.
    When You comitt You accept the person You love for who they really are, and You expose Yourself who You are, thats the vulnerability that leaves You exposed but also creates trust.
    As humans i have yet to see anywhere in the world something even closely as amazing as the “phenomen” of LOVE.
    The capacity to Truly love someone, to accept em, to spend entire life with someone… is… unfathomable beyond words – thats why LOVE is our greatest strentgh if we choose to accept it ;)
    Sadly i have chosen to turn my back as much as possible to love due harsh past experiences, however its just self-defence thing that will pass when time is right.
    We are made of same materials as universe, if we try to understand who “we” are, its us – the UNIVERSE trying to understand who we are… we…. are amazing…
    So i say this… love, care, share, be kind to each other and let us all enjoy this MOST AMAZING world that we live in
    and keep humanity alive – be human :)

    P.S This clip shows just a little what i mean:

    Xo, Xo, yours truly , DW

  • lin

    hi,allison. i’ve been loving you for almost 5 years, hope one day can see you . best wishes :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/obouldin Olivia Bouldin

    I don’t know if I will ever find a soul mate, or really in love – I’m single and I’m enjoying being single and not rushing into marriage, even if I turned 30 this year. But as I read your post on love, and I think that love is hard, just as making things work is hard – because love – maybe romantic love, in my view is fleeting. I think it would be too easy if I ever “fell in love”. I firmly believe that you work making a love last, even if you are not “in love” with them anymore.

    Yeah. I love being single… (^__^);; (no complications like love…)

  • beuns, french

    Ah love, a time when this extraordinary and difficult in our modern world, in a world where everything is worthless if superficial and complicated because we have forgotten the essential values ??that our world has fessaient a time, ah our freedom of our beloved freedom, we have forgotten the essential freedom can not exist without respect and it is a value that is disappearing more and more in our supposedly modern societies (good example is what has made our environment). Without respect everyone can do what he wants at the expense of others (some say capitalism) is a leading some enrichire over others leading us in a world run by the agent or it becomes more important than all, then come consumer society or ownership of material goods become more important than all that surrounds us makes us more individualist respecting others and by our ignorance is racism bigotry, antisemitism and intolerance of other in general (so much easier to ignore others rather than seeking to understand them) and for sure we are moving towards communalism and communism.

    I notice, in any case in France that many people blame a lot of things our society but I think he is forgetting that we are the company and it’s up to us to make a difference and change the world, I join you or the but each has its level (everyone is not called Gandhi)

    We have forgotten its core values ??yet to our survival “spiritual” has these values ??that give meaning to our lives, Respect, listening to others, sharing, forgiveness, love. True love can last without these core values, such as keys that open the doors of life and enable us to progress and move forward and learn from each other. Today we prefer to live in this individualistic world or the physical asset is most important at the expense of others and those who surrounded us (no wonder there is so much divorce)
    To me true love, it is above all respected each other and their differences are strengths and weaknesses in a non-pair (in a world where the difference is rejected), in a world where all must go too fast to listen to the other shared moments and be able forgiven the mistakes of the other, one of my favorite phrase “love is the forgetfulness of self for the happiness of the other “. With a couple key can build it, went ahead despite the obstacles of life and advanced, live couple is above all a choice, the choice of the other and assumed this choice despite the trials.

    OUR WORLD NEEDS LOVE

    Encor forgiveness for writing these few lines, my English is very bad so I used software to translated this one.

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