After a Year

 

I see your name in my inbox.

 

My chest gets tight and my cheeks turn red. Flush. It’s been over a year and still – I feel excited to see your name.

 

You tell me you are coming to Albany. Instantly the sweat on my palms dampens my keyboard.

 

What am I going to wear? What does he want? Should I sleep with him? Should I kiss him? What’s best? Oh, Jesus, what’s best?

 

It’s been over a year and still-

 

Secretly, I am counting down the days to your arrival. I casually mention your visit to my friends more than once. I hint at the importance of it. I spend every morning thinking about that afternoon.

 

Where will I take him? What will we do? What do I do if he tries to hold my hand? How do I be most loving without giving him the wrong idea? What? What? What?

 

It’s been over a year and still-

 

The morning arrives.

 

Oh God. 

 

I change my clothes three times. I want to be pretty, show off the weight I lost. I look in the mirror, wearing a dress and boots.

 

No, I don’t want to give him the wrong idea.

 

I change.

 

Tight jeans and a baggy t-shirt.

 

No, still too much. I don’t want to give him the wrong idea.

 

I change.

 

Baggyjeans, boots, a t-shirt and a vest… cute, casual, and off-handed. Like I wasn’t trying too hard. Like I didn’t spend 45 minutes changing and looking and changing and looking and changing again.

 

I’ve changed.

 

A ponytail is casual and cute, I’m not going to wash my hair. My way of saying, “I don’t care.”

 

Slapping on mascara as I drive to the airport.

 

Ok, I do care a little.

 

I park. My body vibrates. My chest is tight. I don’t know what seeing you will be like.

 

My mouth is a cavern of barren dryness.

 

God, what I wouldn’t give for a piece of gum or a glass of water.

 

There is no time. There you are. Early… and on your phone.

 

“Hey you.”

 

I play casual.

 

I wish I hadn’t worn the vest… too late now.

 

You look up. Your hair cut is “high and tight” and you wear a black cotton t–shirt with writing that claims you are something you are not. Half surfer and half 1940’s good old boy soldier, your style is consistent.

 

 

You breathe from the top of your chest. Blue eyes look up and down instead of in.

 

You are nervous too.

 

You hug me. It’s awkward.

 

“Hey you. It’s good to see you.”

 

“Yeah,” I say as I tremble. “Ready?”

 

“I think so.”

 

The automatic sliders part ways and we walk to my car.

Add yours Comments – 38

  • Kathy Brown

    on July 13, 2014 at 10:56 am

    I know who I wish you were talking about, but I believe I know who it is. I pray it works out for you, Allison… you deserve true love.

  • Amy

    on July 13, 2014 at 10:58 am

    So honest and true.

  • jbrande55

    on July 13, 2014 at 11:14 am

    ” Ready ? ” , The Proper Answer is. ” YES!!! “

  • jbrande55

    on July 13, 2014 at 11:15 am

    I wish the other person were Eric Stoltz .

  • beautyistheworld

    on July 13, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    …I don’t know who you are on about but you have a lot of thoughts about this person. Your mind tells you one thing but your heart tells you another. The question is what do you truly desire? what do you want?

  • jon

    on July 13, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Nice, enjoy the moment.

  • generJose Luis Sendros Mila

    on July 13, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    un joli poisi pour toi . il y a le sourire a toi et si joli comme de fleur

  • Robin

    on July 13, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Allison,
    Whether your writing is factual or fiction, it doesn’t matter, it reads as honest and true.

    As always your writing comes across as relatable, funny, emotional and full of relevance.

    I can feel the anxious wait and nervousness of meeting up again.

    As your writing illustrates, ” I change” & ” change” again. As you have written in past blog entries, just be yourself, and live in the moment, rather than playing a part of who you think someone else wants you to be. ( or something like that ?!).

    Be the real you.

  • LanceN

    on July 13, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    You are the most amazing person I have discovered since I found your blogs and vlogs and tweets four years ago I think. Your open-ness to us
    is amazing, and so is your writing style. I cheer and fear for you. I hope your open ness never hurts you and I wish you all the happiness you have given others. I hope the visit goes well Allison.

  • Jeremy

    on July 13, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    You drew me in, had me feeling your turmoil, and you left me wanting more… so now I want to read Part 2! I’m sure hoping it all goes well!

  • Galactic Shawn

    on July 14, 2014 at 4:05 am

    Kiss him damn you! Kiss him with all your might!

  • Andrey

    on July 14, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Just be the best side of yourself.

  • cameronds

    on July 14, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    it was great good work Alison

  • kathryn

    on July 15, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Your writing is amazing Allison

  • Gdubleyoo

    on July 15, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    – and the Oscar for over-thinking everything goes to…

  • Beth

    on July 17, 2014 at 1:59 am

    Fantastic writing as always. Hope it works out for you like it has for me recently 🙂 You appear to be a wonderful person and I’m sure you deserve the best 🙂 Good luck Allison!

  • Nick

    on July 17, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Your writing is as good as your Acting I saw the guest staring role you did on “Wilfred” you did a great job there too.

  • Nick

    on July 17, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    Allison I hope you’ll be in another series or film soon.

  • James Bartlett

    on July 23, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Honest and beautiful. 🙂

  • jim1965

    on July 24, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    Sorry I couldn’t make it. 🙁

  • Beth

    on July 28, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    Happy Birthday Allison 🙂

  • Mark

    on July 29, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Sorry to take such joy at your awkward encounter. Who hasn’t been there? If they haven’t reading this certain makes one feel it. Well done!

  • Nerdean

    on July 31, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    Hey Allison. I don’t know if you even read these comments, but your writing is wonderful. Whether it is fiction or non fiction you speak about the tightness in your chest and I feel it too. Even though I have no ideal who you are talking about, it doesn’t matter because I feel it with you.

  • Mike Violette

    on August 8, 2014 at 11:44 pm

    It’s a funny world. I don’t get the joke either.

  • Andy J

    on August 14, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Beautifully done Allison. Best regards,

  • Leo

    on August 14, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    Ive never seen a woman quite as beautiful as you.
    I hope one day God can be so kind as to allow me to run into you and meet you in person. God bless “)
    -leo

  • Micheal

    on September 25, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    If only someone felt this way about me, That man is as luck as they come! I hope it works or worked out for the best!

  • Laura

    on November 7, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    I wonder what happened next. I guess is left to the imagination, it keeps the magic of the moment. I secretly hope things worked out to be very good!

  • Jose Daniel

    on November 28, 2014 at 4:01 am

    Transmites tanto Allison: que me siento emocionado como si yo fuese a ser ese chico por el que tu mente se pierde tan locamente.

  • Shane Plymale

    on December 1, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    I think it was Tom Welling. He’s single now.

  • Clarence

    on February 6, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Jesus people are still shipping Chloe with Clark?

    • Kris Bright

      on May 16, 2016 at 1:29 pm

      Of course. Chloe and Clark are a much better match than Lois or Lana as Chloe’s character is so pure and sweet. Lois and Lana neither of them treat Clark with the respect and kindness he deserves.

      Also Chloe was only the second friend of Clark’s to find out his secret and the only one of the two firsts to stick by his side through thick and thin. She was threatened, beaten, and nearly blown up, yet despite all she has been through she has the courage to stand by Clark and be there for him when he needs her. You definitely cannot say that about anyone else Clark has grown up with.

      I wish I could be the one Allison falls in love with someday as she is every bit as pure and sweet as her character, she adds so much to this world with her smile and her determination.

  • tim

    on February 15, 2015 at 6:41 am

    I love you’re writing Allison its straight from the heart.

  • Alex&Harley

    on November 14, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    Your writing absolutely had me anxious awaiting this man’s arrival…the tightness in my chest, the shallow nervous gasps for breath, the anticipation… Wow, lady! Good stuff. I just happened on here, by way of your facebook, bc you and Phantom just popped in my mind. I hope you both are well. I didn’t know how else to say hello. Harley and I are doing well. We have replaced the dog parks of L.A. with the French Quarter streets and parks of New Orleans. 🙂 Take care…

  • Andrew Tayvar

    on January 17, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Hello,
    Nice writing.
    I wish I could be “him”.
    Although I’m probably not.
    Yet…
    Yet, may I invite you to the Bay Area for lunch?
    Maybe it will be nice and we can go for ice cream too.
    If not, just come a gift ticket so we can play the part in sfo airport.
    Hochachtungsvoll,
    Andrew Tayvar
    CA

  • james ross

    on March 15, 2016 at 10:13 pm

    You write so effortlessly. We all find our selves in uncomfortable places in life. Just know you will find the right person for you. We all have a soul mate.

  • Kimmy

    on April 26, 2016 at 7:31 am

    He could see from the glistening in her eyes, the overly bright smile and the restless way her hands kept grasping and repositioning themselves at her wrists, or adjusting her shoulder bag that she was nervous.

    Six months of dating, always on time and in constant contact while he was away working, building on their friendship, proving his commitment and affection and he still hasn’t been able to break through this cloak of self doubt and weakness she feels about trusting anyone.

    Her past relationship, if you could even define it as such when one person held all the power of control and the other was captive, enthralled and devoted, submissive in a cruel position of fostered unworthiness that person had cultured. He’d been raised that a healthy relationship was about sharing and supporting each other. An equal balance of open communication and trust.

    Some might call their meeting chance, others might say it was destiny, he just thought of it as obvious need. She had needed someone to trust. Someone to show her there was another way, a better way to live.

    Instead of walking two blocks from his bus stop to the subway to catch his train home, he had stayed at that bus stop beside the shivering, teary eyed girl. A project she had been pouring herself into had collapsed around her and a meeting with a ‘friend’ she had been so excited to meet up with on the weekend had cancelled. His offer of a coat, since hers seemed wet through and a listening ear if she needed to talk, broke the dam inside her and it had all come rushing out. How she’d lost herself in this person, and their vision, given everything, money, time, her body and soul. The bleak and unrelenting weather on top of the lost job and absentee ‘friend’ seemed to be a sign to her, that something wasn’t right.

    He listened. Three buses came and went. The rain started to ease up and he’d run out of tissues. When she’d said all she could she had looked at him cheeks splotchy, eyes reddened from the acidity of her tears, her look beckoning and mournful as though there was nothing left to say or do, that she was at a loss, he touched her shoulder and squeezed lightly.

    “You have infinite value. Maybe you’ve been beaten down, maybe people have lead you to believe otherwise but you’re not. Nothing we do makes us worthy but because of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice, we can belong to Him if we choose Him. He sees our potential, He sees our worth. Don’t live for anyone else. Live for Him, because He died for you. His plan for our future, our salvation began before this world, long before you and I existed. His love is limitless and unconditional. And Jesus will never fail you. Trust in Him.”

    She had stared unblinkingly at him and when he’s finished speaking she had let out a shuddering breath that he hadn’t even realized she had been holding in.

    “You truly believe that?” she asked somewhat skeptically, wringing her hands together in her lap.

    He nodded and stood. “It’s getting late. I can see you home.”

    She shook her head. “Thank you for the coat. And letting me vent. There’ll be another bus in ten minutes,” she said checking her watch. “I’m not far and I’ve kept you long enough.” She shrugged the coat and gave it back to him.

    He felt the dismissal in her tone and saw it in the stiff way she held herself as she stood across from him. He took the coat back and shrugged it on. It still had her warmth. “If you ever feel like you want someone to talk to, I’m at the Welfare Kitchen on Fulton and Adams on Friday night. Or I can give you my number.” He searched for a scrap of paper in his bag and found a worn out restaurant matchbox. He scrawled his number on the back and pressed it into her hand.

    With a nod, he stepped back and smiled encouragingly at her. “Be safe.” He thrust his hands into his jeans and as he walked away, not looking back, he had doubted he’d hear from her, so it was a surprise when she turned up at the Kitchen a week later. They met up a few more times that way before he mustered up the courage to ask if she’d like to go for coffee. She had joined him in a Bible study group after that and he still hadn’t been able to convince her to join him in going to church but she had continued going to the study group and he knew she did her own reading as well.

    Feeling the coolness of her skin as he interlaced their fingers, he squeezed her hand lightly in greeting and wordlessly urged her to a nearby window seat in the airport arrivals’ terminal. There were times like this that he could see her old doubts of unworthiness creeping through. Doubts that she was lacking in some way. Doubts of being unable to meet certain expectations. All he ever wanted was for her to see her worth. To be confident and contented, secure in her value. She was a beautiful, intelligent and wonderfully made child of God.

    With a touch of gentleness, he brushed a stray lock that had fallen loose from her ponytail and admired the tiny diamond studs in her ears. She’d favored heavier earrings before and they would weigh on her tender skin, giving her sore ears after a long day. These were pretty and he saw no sign of redness. He stroked the back of his fingers along the side of her face, in a show of tenderness he remembered from how his mother would comfort him when he was ill with fever or hurt with tension headaches waiting for relief by cold compress and pain medication. “Talk to me,” he urged gently.

    “I missed you,” she said, her voice giving way to a wobbly edge. Her eyes blinked away a sheen of tears.

    Her new job meant she couldn’t go with him on the mission and disaster relief trips he took for his job. They couldn’t afford that even if she had leave to go anyway. He’d been gone for three weeks this time. The longest they’d been apart.

    “Don’t let anyone steal your joy,” he said with a smile, while he leaned forward to first kiss her forehead, then the tip of her nose, to finally capture her lips in a sweet but chaste kiss. “You belong to the King of the Universe. Our Creator and our Savior. Take comfort that some day soon, this world will end and His return will mean we never will be parted from loved ones again and there’ll be no more evil, devastation, pain and grief. Do you believe?”

    Unlike the months before when he’d left her to catch her ride, this time she looked at him with hope and acceptance in her eyes.

    “I believe I belong to Him and that His love for me is real. Just as I believe you love me too,” she said with thick emotion in her voice.

    He smiled and enveloped her in the tightest hug he could manage without crushing her. He never thought he’d be one to get married. He wasn’t even looking for this kind of love. His love for his Redeemer was enough. Yet God had led him to her, and now he couldn’t picture a future without her in it. And he was so grateful that she trusted in him enough, to accept his love for her and to love him in return.

    • Kris Bright

      on May 16, 2016 at 1:21 pm

      As if a non existent person could really fulfill someone’s dreams and desires and holds someone close and kiss away the tears.

      Blind faith is illogical.