By Allison Mack
Standing on the top of a cliff, she is an adrenaline junky. Looking to her left and looking to her right she sees the horizon staring back at her. The circular structure of the world lends her point of view to a smile. The line splitting the sky from the earth bends up on the corners. Her chest expands and contracts as she sucks as much air into her lungs as she can.
She is greedy. She wants to take it all in. She wants each molecule of the world around her to be inside her. She wants to own as much real estate of experience as possible.
So she sucks it in.
And like a small straw dipped into a thick milkshake she gets stuck.
Her lungs only expand so far she does not know how to push any further.
In her mind she inhales this life the way her father inhales his dinner. Arms curled around his plate as though fending off ravenous wolves, head down like a tortoise picking lettuce off the ground and his mouth practically glued to the plate, an anteater.
She curls in on herself and attempts to hoard all she can. Assuming the tighter the grip the more likely she will catch.
But like Jello, the harder the squeeze the faster the escape.
She rides the subway on a daily bases and searches for any sign of life.
She stares at the faces and seeks to embrace. A 2 year old responds.
Not yet raped by disappointments and confusions. She is open.
It is like an addiction. Things fly at her face with such a rapid pace she doesn’t know what to choose.
Her overwhelming feeling of indulgence numbs the pressure cooker she is sitting in, but fuels the flame of entitlement. Entitled to a relationship with a person she knows nothing about.
She pushes into the ground to give herself the momentum needed to push off the cliff. She soars through the air and her entire body is electrified with the feeling of alive-ness.
Her chest is raised and her back arched. She is a swan.
The chaos of all that she thought she needed, all she felt she had to have, disappears. All she hears are her thoughts and the wind howling and whispering into her ears. She listens for the first time.