by Allison Mack

I don’t know why but I am thinking about you.
I am thinking about the way you smell.
The way you move.
The way you pick your fingers and
Put chapstick on your lips after you spray your hair

I can’t say I feel resolved.
Maybe the ache is something you just get used to.
I just get used to.
Is that how it works?
Like when you paint a door over
and over
and over
Laying one color on top?
of the other?
One ache?
over the first?
When was my first ache?
I’m not sure. Maybe it was my Dad.
Or Grandpa.
Santa Claus.
Some strong male figure I could feel non-existent around.
I don’t know how to make things better.
I don’t know how to ease the hurt that flows through your veins…
and mine.
But I do know the avoidance of pain does not manage it well.
Living your life for now is a must.
Feeling the end before the beginning is all too familiar for me.
The arch is the meat of it all.
So I miss you.
I suppose that is all a part of the arch. And I suppose wanting the end before I swim through the middle is another way to skip the meat.

I am a vegetarian.

But I’m not going to lie. I miss you.
I suppose that is a good thing.
I suppose that is the point.
I suppose that means it meant something.
I suppose that shows I have a heart.
I suppose many things.
But now.
I suppose.
I have things to do.
Things in my day.
Things I must attend to.
Things that take me away from the ache.
The arch.
The meat.
Into another part of the pig.
Sharpen my teeth and bite through the middle.

Add yours Comments – 7

  • LanceN

    on December 9, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    A bit sad if I understand it correctly. Does this mean you miss a strong man but are moving on and living your life anyway? I don’t understand the feel non-existent around line. Feeling non-existent doesn’t sound good to me. In any case, I hope you do find happiness or at least contentment as a vegetarian until some good meat comes along.

  • Robin

    on December 9, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    A real statement of intent, hauntingly beautiful use of metaphor for seeing the living life as a vegetarian. Self worth, placing people on pedestals at the expense of one’s own validation & making a perceived positive choice to take responsibility for our own character and forcing ourself to live in the here and now.

  • Emmerae

    on December 9, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    That “clarity moment” I had was the line, “Feeling the end before the beginning is all too familiar for me.” I simply felt understood by another.

  • Jo

    on December 11, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I fell upon this blog today. Was wondering what happened to one of my favorite actresses. Was glad to find that one of my favs is also a poet. This reminds me of a verse in Milton’s “Paradise Lost”, where satan looks for the first time upon the creation of earth, where he knows he is outcast and there is no favor for him– “Which way I fly is hell, myself am hell. And in the deep, a lower deep, devours me at last; until my hell seems a heaven” Read it if you haven’t, so much of life is in it. And so much of life is in this, thank you.

  • Antonio P

    on December 12, 2013 at 6:00 am

    I’m brazilian. I got to know who you were by your actress carreer. But this, i wasn’t expecting. I’m stunned, The way you write is so beautiful, so intense. I loved it. You were already among my favorite artists, i just love to see you acting. But this made you one of my favorite people. Keep on going, you’re an amazing woman.
    I just found out you write, i’ll be digging though your texts for a while.
    Congratulations, you’re so much more than a pretty face. I really wasn’t expecting anything this beautiful.
    I just loved it.

  • maxima191

    on December 12, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    When you look at people-Do they look back.
    Is a smile always greeted with a smile or a look of confusion.
    I have observed so many things .
    Good and bad.
    True and false.
    So many choices to just to find the truth.
    How will your truth be revealed?


  • Allan Seekingwolf

    on December 23, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    I’ve gone through the same feelings myself. You put it so Beautifully. You are an amazing woman with a beautiful mind.