Isn’t it amazing that the things that seem so difficult to say in person come out like a waterfall on the computer? Like somehow because I’m separated from you by a piece of glass, I’m safe in some wayâ€¦ Like the little Apple sign on the back of my computer shoots out an invisible shield that surrounds my emotional being, and somehow I can be honest without any serious nervousness or concernâ€¦ How am I any different?
Truth is, I’m not, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel that wayâ€¦
It’s like I separate myself into different peopleâ€¦ This is the computer Allison; she is witty, compassionate, straightforward, and honest, with really bad grammarâ€¦
Then, there’s acting Allison; she is confident, slightly arrogant, fun-loving, and focusedâ€¦ with a wicked streak of ego and ambition that can tend to run over people if they get in her way…
Then, there’s the friend Allison; she is silly and creative, passionate and hyper, with an excitement for exploration and adventure…
And these are just the top three that seem the most familiarâ€¦
Then, there’s interview Allison, family Allison, convention Allison, girlfriend Allison, holiday Allisonâ€¦ etc., etc., etc.
…I’m almost as bad as the Barbie chain.
Malibu Allison, dream house Allison…
So, I suppose the goal becomes integrating all these Allisons into one full, rich, and round person.
But wait a minuteâ€¦ How am I not that already?
What the fuck?
It’s not like I split magically into all these people; they’re simply people I play in order to obtain the things I want.
What if the only true thing to obtain is a true sense of self?
Ooooo! Kinda deep?
Maybe I’ll just stick to “Cinderella Allison” or “party time Allison” for now– keep things superficial until I am ready to forge ahead into the abyss that is my own truth.
It’s funny… I recognize the beauty and desire I have to live a full and genuine life, but God, I don’t even know if I know what that meansâ€¦
Maybe that’s the journey; struggling through to find those opportunities to discover a new foothold in the cave of me and explore from there for a whileâ€¦ until I am ready to go a little deeperâ€¦.
Ok, that feels good.