August 24th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I always teeter and totter on the edge of either feeling that I give myself too much “me time” or the contrary in which I give too much “others time.” I never find that balance, and I struggle with that.
I still feel like I am selfish sometimes. I hate that feeling. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I feel if I treat myself too much, I am doing something wrong?
Aysha… I too struggle massively with the whole “guilt” complex of taking time to sit with myself, take a bath, or go home early. I have spent hours upon hours flogging myself for these discussions. So much so that I just stopped doing it all together.
It is interesting though, for someone raised on solid guilt, and I love and adore my family, but we definitely made it a hobby out of “Hail Mary’s.” I still make the decisions I want to make, and then almost for show, I will punish myself for that choice. It’s almost like it is a way for me to have my cake and eat it too; I get to hold my image in place. The image that I am someone who would not want to say no, or who would never put herself first, and yet, I get to do what I want.
Why I don’t simply cut the middle step and just be who I am, claim what I want; own my decisions and be real with myself and the people around me. How much more energy would I have? Jesus! It seems a bit endless.
So I guess to me, “guilt” is a wicked scapegoat that ultimately acts as a waste of time and energy, and “selfish” is an awesome manipulative term to get people to give you time and do what they want!