Completed my first week as a television director. Holy shit! That really sums it all up. I have never felt so fulfilled, nor pushed so hard as I have this week. All the things I have ever loved culminated in to this experience and it was truly incredible. I had moments almost hourly of total doubt and misery, followed by unbelievable satisfaction and excitement. Soon, the doubt was divorced from the misery, and I simply felt unsure. I felt ok about abandoning the misery because I knew it was fleeting. As well, I had no time to wallow. The speed by which our technicians work is staggering, and I was awe inspired by their dedication and work ethic.

I found myself feeling very emotional at several points throughout the week, just so blown away by the support and love that came pouring out of this group of people. It ‘s a real example of what we are capable of as human beings. What is so beautiful about us as a species and how truly beautiful our essence is.

I feel the need to apologize again for having dropped the ball on this community, but honestly, I think I needed to take a few steps back and begin to look at the reasons I was doing what I was doing for myself. I have spent the last 26 years playing for the audience and never really seeing myself in any experience unless someone else was there to witness it for me.

So I had 2 modes of operation.
1. Very vibrant, committed and aware aka performance mode, or
2. Totally quiet, often despondent, and quite shut off aka not performance mode.

Never really allowing myself to be a viewer in my own life, or ever seeing the value in taking things in for myself, I completely threw away any thoughts I would have that I didn’t share with another person in some way. So in building this community I was re-enacting this same habit.
Taking my own experiences and validating them through the knowledge that others would read and approve.

Consequently I was running around in my life looking for events to document, stories to tell, thoughts to share, and ways to gain approval. This then culminated into a lifetime of experiences once removed.

Always on the outside of my life looking in and waiting for the next cool something to come along so that I could use it to confirm my identity, my sense of myself, through the reactions of other people.
So I move through life, with no sense of self unless I am experiencing someone else’s reaction to me and no sense of alive-ness unless I am reacting to another person.

A life of objectification, entitlement, obligation, and anger. This is not what I want to do. And so the exercise of alone-ness, self identification begins. Within this process, I have taken more in for myself, and have been struggling to find the balance between how much to share and how much to hold, how much needs to be said and how much doesn’t and why. It all comes down to why?

So pardon me for taking a bit of time off, and pardon me for objectifying you in order to satisfy me.
All of this from directing an episode of Smallville, heh?
xo
warmly,
allison

Add yours Comments – 107

  • Nick

    on January 31, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    01/31/09

    Hi Allison I just wanted to write you and say Congratulation on your Directorial Debute. Your episode “Power” kept me in suspense through the whole show.

  • Alwin

    on February 1, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    You’re a great director too! No surprise there.
    As much as I love to see you all in front of the lens, it seems like Smallville has been a great training and proving ground for the “Bossy McBossy” craft.
    I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do.

  • Silvia

    on February 3, 2009 at 2:20 am

    Hi Allison,

    Your postings in your blog and forum gave me some idea of directing, however, I was quite curious about it. Fortunately I didn’t have to wait for Season 8 airing on TV in Europe. I had the chance to watch „Power“ on the internet this weekend. Well, I watched it twice actually…
    However, the staging of the director is an artistic work of its own. Congratulations, Allison Mack, you did a great job and you made art – especially the episode’s end bears the hallmarks of yours. Well done, you’re on the right track. You’re a wonderful artist. So just keep going.

    Best wishes
    Silvia

  • parker grayson

    on February 3, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    i thought your episode was great. it felt kinda out of place with the other episodes but i think thats what made it so cool. it had its own vibe and i hope this doesn’t sound seriously gay(sorry hillary duff) but i felt it. i’m a musician and i know how important it is get that out of someone and how hard it is to do. good job.

    Parker

  • Keegan

    on February 28, 2009 at 1:11 am

    I found myself directly in line behind you (at least until someone behind the counter pointed out I was in the wrong line…woops) at the car rental place today (2/27/09). Being certain I recognized you from the show, my awareness of you and your actions was heightened and I found myself wondering who you are outside of the charachter. Ironically I came to your website and I found you wondering who you are as well. In light of your introspective thoughts I thought you might appreciate and outside observers observations (for lack of a less redundant word).

    I was pleasently surprised to see that you seemed to be a very warm person. You were quiet, but you excuded a sense of kindness and unique presense that impressed me. You were second in line to be seen and you mistakenly thought that a counter attendant had become available. You noticed that the lady in front of you had not made the same observation so you reached out and gently moved your hand down the ladies shoulder and smiled and pointed to the open attendant. As it turned out the attendent was not available, so the lady had to come back (woops, happens to the best of us) I then made a bad joke and told you that was a cruel joke to play. You did two good things that don’t typically happen in LA I think; 1) you pointed out the open attend in a kind and patient way and 2) when you realized you were mistaken you apologized. Was it a grandious and extreme display of human kindness, no, but it was a glimpse and a glimpse of something good.

    We all struggle with the question (some knowingly and some unknowlingly)…who am I when no one is looking? After all isn’t who I am often lopsidedly (that’s a word isn’t it?) affected/shaped by how I want to be perceived in any given moment? So when can I hope to catch a glimpse of who I really am? I think moments like today at least have the potential to reveal a glimpse of who we are.

    I would like to offer a word of caution hopefully without and eir of condesention. I have a weakness of getting caught up in my introspective thoughts and as a result I think the activity sometimes becomes more of self obsession than a true exploration of thought. I believe there are no more defining and revealing moments in life than those moments in which we show love. Keep in mind that the characteristics of love are tend to completely deny self. So its the times when I lose myself that I gain a life with meaning and impact. You have to love the irony!

  • Luis

    on April 19, 2009 at 12:17 am

    you are brilliant and thats all i have to say! best wishes luis

  • Mike Clark

    on April 20, 2009 at 1:08 am

    Hi Allison,

    Really enjoyed the episode you directed. In a series with very high production standards this was a real peach of an episode. Would be great to see you try your hand at some original short form direction, I’ll look forward to seeing more of your work.

    All the best
    Mike