Ok, so Tabby sent me this link from Robyn Herbert from Facebook (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQif24jIGWY) and I watched this doc and was very inspired! This whole “Extraordinary People” documentary series is super cool. I love the internet. I love the fact that you can just take up a series that you create and come up with and just run with it. We have such freedom to create whatever persona we like and take full ownership of what we uphold and put out in the world. Thanks to the new style of media, we have the opportunity to build any celebrity we want to build. That is so cool.
I am struggling to become the person I want to see in the world. I think my biggest struggle right now is embracing my own journey and having love and compassion for my own struggle. I want to be this great person who upholds humanity at all times, on one side, and then on the other I want to run away from any sort of responsibility and just feel as good as possible. The other side, the one who wants to feel good, has been the one that wins out mainly. This is something I can grow through, but man, is it ever challenging.
I went and saw an amazing play tonight with a very good friend of mine. It’s called “Gods of Carnage” and it looks at two couples and the way we relate. It was spectacular. I really took from it the idea that none of us are civilized, no matter how expensive the liquor or how fancy the shoes, we are all primitive under the shiny things. And really the beauty and the challenge is to spend your lifetime striving for evolution. But within this evolution one must first embrace the primitive, then move in to grow with joy and humility.
I feel so judgmental of my own human dynamic so often. Afraid to even play characters who may stray from being “good,” and yet, fascinated by the whole idea of a “dark side”. I am shooting a movie in June that profiles two characters on a destructive path who find hope within the other and choose the upholding path. It is beautiful, but the place I feel I am failing as an actress is around the destructive part. I think this has to do with the punishment I place on me when I see my own destructive behavior. And if I am to be really honest with myself, the punishment is just a way to get out of actually dealing with the behavior, taking responsibility for it, and moving forward.
Ah what a tangled web we weave.
Sorry for the ramble, I have a lot on my mind right now. All good, but swirls of thoughts I am trying to find a pattern in.