Ok… enough of that celebration! I have been spending the last 2 days on a meditation workshop… Yep, that’s right, I am going through that quintessential “what does it all mean thing.” That bump in life when we start to search for something deeper!

And as cheesy as it sounds, it’s fuckin’ awesome! I had such an amazing time simply reconnecting with me.
It’s so funny, I find that in my attempt to be unselfish aka spend more time with others, put time with myself as a last priority, I end up behaving more selfishly? Maybe I have misunderstood the term? What is selfish?

Here is a quote from a speech given by Nelson Mandela written by a woman call Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A request of pride

allison, i would like you, if you can and dont mind, is do a session on pride. you may have already done it because ive only started doing comments for like a month but anyway i mean like ask people what makes them proud and stuff please. if you read this i would appreciate a chat about it please.

JONNY

So this was a message requesting a post on pride. Here it goes.  When I think of pride, several things come to mind. One is my ego, that damn image I have of myself that I always seem to bring up when I need an excuse not to do things that scare or intimidate me.

Actually, let’s focus on that pride for this posting, then tomorrow we can explore further!

As some of you may know, I am directing this season. I was let off the hook last season due to the writer’s strike, but now this season it is back on again. And now I have no excuses. This is an opportunity I can’t pass up and yet every time I think about the process I feel as though I am going to throw up.

It’s that image, that pride, rearing it’s head and I feel like thwarting that character I believe I am in my day to day life is a fate worse than death. Facing failure and testing my pride– hell, even proving my believe in myself wrong, is like the scariest thing in the world to me. But if this is something I never test, if I walk through my life believing that I can do things I have never in fact tried or tested, how strong and confident will that pride really be.

One slip and the whole thing is torn apart.

It is my belief that the only way to build a foundation of self that is substantial, that won’t crumble at the first sight of questioning or failure, is to, in fact, fail. And then learn how to put the pieces back together from beginning to end. Then you truly understand how the curves and crevices fit and you have no fear of it falling to pieces again, cause you know it is no big thing to re-lay the concrete.

But man getting over that initial sense of fake self-confidence is a doozy.

More on this tomorrow

xo
allison

oh and by the way, my sites gonna be down for a few hours tonight and tomorrow due to some reconstruction! I’m redecorating! Fun!

I will share a little story with you! I was walking through a neighborhood in downtown Vancouver and this particular part of town does not have the best reputation. In fact, I think at one point in time it had the highest rate of HIV infection and heroin addiction per capita in North America. Give you a little bit of a picture?

Now because of this there are many people without homes on the streets and my general assumption when I am walking through these streets is that I need to put my head down and walk quickly. It’s “dangerous”. Now is there some truth to this? Absolutely! I don’t want to act like a moron and walk down the street the way I would my parents neighborhood, but I also want to be sure that I don’t begin to look at the people around me as less than human.

So, I am barreling through this block just trying to get from one stoplight to the next so I can relax, and I see a man crossing the street to come towards me, and I freeze. I put up my guard and immediately thinking he is going to ask me for money. Not one minute after my steel-wall of “safety” was firmly in place, did this man say to me, “I just wanted to tell you I like your dress.”

Done. No, “Spare change miss?” No, “Fucking rich bitch.” Nothing but a sweet comment from another human being.

I saw a wonderful Tibetan Monk speak a few months ago and he stated (now I am paraphrasing so bear with me) that, “The problem with the world comes from the fact that we don’t trust ourselves, therefore we don’t trust each other. We spend all our resources building stronger locks and bigger walls to lock ourselves in.”

So, when does it end? When does the fear caused by prejudice become so debilitating that we forget to live our lives? When does our fear of death become so powerful that we kill our selves prematurely out of an attempt to elongate something we aren’t even utilizing? Our time here on this earth is precious. We get one go at this.

Now I am not saying to be ridiculous, as I said in previous blog posts, it’s all about balance, but I challenge and urge you to look at where you prejudices lie and attempt to challenge or reverse them. See where you ride an invisible horse shrouding yourself in the white sheet of assumption.

It is a really interesting experiment.

Ciao
Allison

Post some funny signage if you see it! Trust me it is everywhere!

The other day, Tabby and I were going down to Seattle and my credit card was rejected at the gas station. The little sign read: “Invalid Loyalties.” What? How random!

Once on the island, I spent the day surrounded by the most inspiring and amazing people in my life. The people that take absolutely no stress for me to spend time with, just sit and chill. Ahhhhh… relax. I think I am starting to get what that means. Relax. To let go and enjoy.

It’s funny what happens when I do that. The world seems warmer, more visual. Small things become huge and every moment lasts longer. I was so busy looking ahead I forgot to taste the food in front of me. It is a constant reminder; A game that consists of “Stop, breathe, look around. Take your sunglasses off and squint into the sun. Really, look around”.

I think the biggest difference between my life now and my life one year ago is that my skin fits. I feel like I am starting to understand what I like and forgive myself for what I don’t like. I now know what I think is beautiful to me, for me. That is such a cool discovery in my mind.

Something beautiful to me:

It’s funny, because I remember being a very little me and struggling to look over my bathroom counter at my reflection in the mirror, thinking to myself “I wonder what I am going to be like when I am 16″ and then being that defiant, angry and insatiably curious 16 year old thinking, “Hmmm, this is so not what I thought 16 was going to feel like, maybe it will all make sense at 21.”

But alas, at 21 I put off self-realization for another 4 years, thinking that 25 was the magic number. Now I am at 26 and I must say that I do believe this whole “magic number of enlightenment and calm” is all a total lie and hoax that I have convinced myself to believe to make everything seem a little more calm and controlled.

I am 26, I love to act, I am getting wrinkles on my forehead, my arms are still not as toned as I would like and I have a small pot belly. I love movies, plays, music, and art and I love to eat ice cream out of the carton.

My mom still has the best smell in the world, and cross legged on the ground is the most comfortable way to eat at a picnic. All things I thought I would “grow out of” when I hit that magical number. Thank god it doesn’t exist!

I love to play and fuck up and be all over the place.
I love feeling forever suprised by my life.
I will always want to learn new things and I will always be afraid of what I don’t know.

So here is to another spin around the sun.
I think it is going to be a good year my friends, a very good year.

I am in San Diego and I am so sorry but I think I will have to wait until tomorrow to post any comments on the things being said regarding judgment! Please believe that I am fascinated with what you all have to say, but after the flight and a long and wonderfully celebratory dinner with my family (it is my birthday Tuesday), I feel I must turn in!

It is amazing that now I only need 2 glasses of wine and I am useless…

I have the “Smallville” panel tomorrow morning at 9am and I begin my beautifying process at 8! So with those excuses I say goodnight and I promise to respond tomorrow!

xoxo
Allison

A few weeks ago I spent some time with my 16 year old sister and I kept asking her what she wanted to do with her life. The question was “If you could do anything in the word that you wanted to do in 5 years, what would it be? And why?” After she got a little sick of being asked the same question over and over again she finally turned the tables and asked me, “What is your answer to that question?”

I thought about it for quite some time and I have continued to think about it over these last few weeks and ultimately, the answer I have come up with thus far is as follows: I want to make art and build communities of people who are interested in expressing genuine thoughts about their own experience of existence that seek to build humanity and help us to evolve.

After reading the more recent posts in my trailer I had this total “holy shit” moment. There I was on the set of a television show that I was acting in, reading responses about some of the most profound and personal things regarding human existence and purpose, and I was like, “how the hell did I get this lucky?”

Honor and Amazement is what I feel right now! So, thank you to my newly developed Dead Poets Society. Let’s keep going with this.

Oh and by the way, Rumi is one of my absolute favorite poets. He once said “Let the Beauty you love be what you do. There are thousands of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.” This rings so true to me, especially right now. Thank you again.

And continuing down the philosophical path… What is judgment? Is it always a bad thing? I have been recognizing all my judgments and prejudices and even had an intense conversation recently with someone where we began to discuss the concept of intolerance due to intolerance. So, “you are violent, therefore, I must destroy you.” Doesn’t make much sense when you juxtapose them in that way, and yet, that is what I catch myself doing constantly. It totally gives new meaning to Gandhi’s most famous quote “You must be the change.” How can I expect to see a world with no prejudice when I refuse to take ownership of my prejudice against the people i deem as “myopic”. Isn’t that, in-turn, just being the same thing, under a different title?

Interesting places for growing. God, this rabbit hole goes deep!

xoxo
Allison

Amanda Says:
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:33 am “On a side note, sometimes we like to get all existential to the point we think ourselves out of common sense. (i.e. anyone remember the famous question in regards to defining the word “is”?) However, I think it’s important that we understand what we value and why. What guides us to make decisions and how do we live with the consequences of these decisions? And, why do we define ourselves by what we do? Just thoughts to ponder. ;o)”

Yeah, why do we define ourselves by what we do? That is such a challenging misconception for me to overcome. You can learn about yourself by reflecting on the actions you have taken, thereby gleaning information on things about yourself you may not have previously been aware of, but ultimately the things you do are simply an effect of you and not you yourself.

Huh? Sounds good, but really? I get very confused as to what it means. If you really break it down, it makes sense. You come first. The art you make, the relationships you build, the things you destroy all come as effects of you and your existence.

So that is what that means, and that, to me, is why the confusion is so thick. But truly, in the end, we are not what we do. Our actions are simply wonderful little resources for the research paper of you!

Aww… how cheese.