- John W. Gardner

I love this quote…

Seeing the end of Smallville has sparked a small, if not slightly obvious, epiphany: I now have a lot of time on my hands.

Being on a network television show for nearly a decade, I had not yet considered this unknown luxury.

It is an amazing thing, no doubt, but it is also terrifying at the same time.

I have an awesome life. I really do. I am blessed with so many friends, family, a wealth of opportunity and love. It is an amazing and wonderful thing.

But there is something more to life, more than the things I do and the people I interact with. There is meaning. There is what I want my life to mean and what kind of person I want to be. Both of which are, and only can be, determined by me. Through my choices and the thoughts that drive them, through the connected-ness I choose to see or not, and through the effort I put into knowing myself, I create the meaning of my existence.

The world is a wonderful and joyous place filled with the most beautiful and tragic acts happening in every moment, if you choose to see it, that is. I seem to be an addict of this life. I can’t get enough, and while I’m enjoying it, at the same time I’m terrified of losing it – of not being satiated with the world in front of me. But it’s the world inside of me, my internal experience of the world, that truly needs my attention.

To be quiet, to dig deep, to root out the subtext of each potent experience, asking why it means anything to me at all, I believe is how I will stop my internal world from spinning out of control, and allow myself to enjoy every moment, regardless of the circumstances.

I’m going to take time every day to stop and think about what I’m doing, not just plow through with little to no consideration. I believe making that deliberate and conscious choice to stop, at least once each day, to look at what is in front of me, what it means and why, will help me build and deepen that sense of meaning I’ve been searching for.

Wanting to leave the world a better place and not realizing where I fit into that plan is the one concept that never seems to stay strong and clear in my mind.

I want this year to be one of distillation and purpose. A year of clarification and celebration as I attempt to emerge with depth, wisdom, and intent.

Join me?

I love her.

Talk tomorrow.
xoxo
a

I don’t even know if you exist? What the heck?

After seeing my dear friend John Glover in “Waiting for Godot” I kept thinking that it seems as thought the common fear and quest of most people is that we are ultimately alone and there may not, in fact, be any real point in our existence, if we do actually exist which we can never really prove.

Ok, so then why anything?

The answer for me is: I really don’t know, but there is something beautiful about the enigmatic structure of our own experience. And if I can train myself to look at my life as one big experiment, the consequences and the failures as simply a check list for what does and doesn’t work depending on my hypothesis and the result, I think I would spend way less time stressing and way more time building.

So often I spring out of the gate with an idea, get some information back that is not what I expected and then simply shut down. I am sure you all have been witness to several of these impulse ideas… depending on how long you have been around. Which brings me to my next point.

I don’t know if you exist, or if I exist, or if this train I am riding on, with my friend, as I write this, is actually something true and tangible, The only thing that I do know is the experience I am having in this moment.

I know my leg is sticking to the seat. I know my friend who is staring out of the window is looking beautiful in her blue sweater. I know that I will bail on myself, but I wont bail on the people I love. I know I have too many pride issues, too much respect for the people I have been working with lately, to run away from my dreams and ideas if the data goes against my hypothesis.

And so, I know the virtual human team with no actual proof of existence is a gift. Because whether or not I know for sure if this is some big game or not, I know I am enriched and enlivened in my own mind and body because of the life I have lived. And the more teams I join with people I love, the more experiences I have the courage to sit through. The more boundaries I will test, the harder I will push.

So why? What’s the point?

Well, why not?

If this is just dream within a dream, I am going to do everything within my power to make it a damn good one. And since I lack the strength to push through on my own, I will look to my team-mates to nudge me with their valiant life choices and examples.

We inspire each other. Whether here or not, we effect each other.

This is a beautiful, hypothetical existence, and I want to go hard while I can.

Allendh, I hope that answers the question.

What do you all think?

Xo
a

I love this. I love the bus, I love the idea of the dinner. I just plain love this.

Whilst on the bus, I met the most fascinating, hungry woman who ended up sitting to my right and chatting with me about everything from gender studies, racism, roommates, family, introspection, changing the world, and school all in a matter of 2 hours. How cool is that?

The two men behind me are discussing the economic crisis in the US and ways of changing and fixing it while the woman to my left has her head neatly tucked in the middle of a foam crescent moon, sleeping . I am surrounded by strangers and yet infinitely fascinated.

I love things like buses and trains, you have a whole whack of people who would never choose to sit together, jammed into a box on wheels for any number of hours. I love to make up stories about the people around me, like… maybe the two men in the back are conspiracy theorists and they are heading to DC to blow up the White House, and the crescent pillow lady to my left is so tired because she was up all night getting wasted at an underground rave in Vancouver.

So fun we are.
xo
a

Well Emily Jubenvill is one of these people. She is an amazing 22 year old friend of mine who is such an awesome inspiration and she is nominated for the greenest peep in the world! Go to http://www.3rdwhale.com and vote for her!

She gets a pod of whales named after her if she wins! It is really an awesome thing that she does!

xoxo
Allison

I have lost me for a bit. I can start to see the outline of myself coming out of a haze, but I am still not too sure of where I went. You may or may not have noticed the slight randomness and disconnect in my last few blogs… Well, they are really a result of me feeling a bit like I have lost my way and forgotten me and what I love. I know that sounds super cheesy, but sometimes it is easier to disappear into what I produce than it is to simply relate and exist.

But the good news is there is always another side. Several wonderful encounters with friends as well as the viewing of a couple of incredible artist endeavors have helped pull me out of the funk I was in. It is because of this experience that I am so amazed by us as humans and how every little thing we say and do effects the whole world in a cataclysmic way. We are so influenced by every human experience we have, it is remarkable.

Until tomorrow!?

xo
Allison

Once on the island, I spent the day surrounded by the most inspiring and amazing people in my life. The people that take absolutely no stress for me to spend time with, just sit and chill. Ahhhhh… relax. I think I am starting to get what that means. Relax. To let go and enjoy.

It’s funny what happens when I do that. The world seems warmer, more visual. Small things become huge and every moment lasts longer. I was so busy looking ahead I forgot to taste the food in front of me. It is a constant reminder; A game that consists of “Stop, breathe, look around. Take your sunglasses off and squint into the sun. Really, look around”.

I think the biggest difference between my life now and my life one year ago is that my skin fits. I feel like I am starting to understand what I like and forgive myself for what I don’t like. I now know what I think is beautiful to me, for me. That is such a cool discovery in my mind.

Something beautiful to me:

Just wanted to throw in a plug for the fabulous new clothing and accessories line, “Spark Girl.”

This line is by my good friend Megan Poss. Go to her site and check out her schwag!

I love the t-shirts. They fit amazingly well AND the shirts have puffed sleeves! Who wouldn’t love that?

http://www.spark-girl.com/about

Ciao,
Allison

Some people pack weeks in advance. Some make checklists. Some pack and unpack, forgetting that they actually wanted to wear those jeans at the bottom of the bag, and some just say “screw it” and wear the same thing the entire trip. Me? Well, to me, it’s just throwing stuff in a bag. I went to a 9:30 movie with one of my best friends last night, and as we were strolling into “Margot at the Wedding,” I announced that I hadn’t even started to pack for my three-week trip. He looked at me lovingly and laughed, “Oh Allison, it sounds like how you do life.” Ha! That’s so true! He then suggested that I write my next blog entry on this. And so here I am– exposing to everyone how incredibly spontaneous and impulsive I am in my life. Now this habit can be looked at several different ways:

1. That I don’t sweat the small stuff. I know what’s important to me in my life, and I focus my time and energy on those things. So, in this case, I can recognize the importance in packing, so yes, of course I do it… But I find more value in the new Neil Baumbach film with a friend… So thorough packing takes a back seat, and I rush through the process of packing the next three weeks of my life three hours before departure time.
2. I’m lazy and I don’t want to think too far in the future because that would mean taking responsibility for more than i want– sad, but true, I am still very much a child.
3. I know that whatever I forget at home because of my lack of preparation will only add to my adventure on the other side– so really, it’s all a deliberate attempt at increasing my life experience.

I happen to believe my packing habits are a combo of all three. There are so many things to do and see– I don’t want to waste my time “preparing/packing” for an experience; I want to be living it. However, that being said, I’m disregarding the immensely valuable lesson that everything is an experience, and true freedom and joy come when you can feel fully engaged and excited by absolutely every and anything… Including counting out your underwear and matching up socks– Huh… So maybe it would be a good exercise for me to take my time more often and challenge me to find the fun in simply planning my outfits for the next three weeks and placing them in a bag like a lovely game of Tetris.

Ciao for now,
Allison