Something hard.
Something ugly.
Something rough on a more delicate person that gives me the ability to make something beautiful out of 5 strings and some wood… the opportunity to create, to express takes some sort of weathering.

My feet are filled with tiny cuts from the play in Prague, I earned the applause. When something is easy, when there is no callous or cut, is it really worth it?

In the moment I bitch and complain. I say things like “What the fuck? Sweep the damn floors?” But, after the show closes and I am cleaning the cut on the top of my toe, there is a sense of accomplishment that is not replaceable.

And so I recognize aliveness.

I see that I am in a body and yet it is not real until i feel it.
and so it is with emotions.
I know I am a human being, but until I experience my own emotional bandwidth, I don’t really know if I am anything more than a robot.

Thank you, calloused hands, bleeding heart, and open mind.

Fill my days with rich alive-ness and I will give me a standing ovation.
xo
a

I am so confused with the person I think I need to be vs the woman I am. The funniest part of all is the woman I am is actually cool. When I find humility and appreciation I enjoy all people and experiences so much more. I love and value each interaction because I see people as something other than objects to confirm my image.

Funny, I think because I grew up thinking the image I play is the best and most important thing in the world, I am so afraid to be something other than that, but because of this fear I confirm this belief and perpetuate the issue. Vicious cycle, no?

I am working on a movie that I will be filming in June and I am seeing my limitations as an actress and it is only since the last few days I have been able to admit to the challenge and ask for help. I am very excited now, as opposed to the “freaked-the-fuck-out” I was before, because I feel like I am learning how to learn. Similar to the directing, maybe this will help me to build myself into the actress I want to be.

Maybe I can get better? Grow? That’s exciting. Am I alone in this enslavement to the image?

xo
a

Okay, so in case you haven’t noticed, my site has changed! I love it! I think it is beautiful. So, I have decided to take this week’s blog and focus on change and the beauty of change; hence the two amazing quotes I am using this week as the inspiration. I am so totally in love with the phrase Mr. Cohen used, “in movement there is life, and in change there is power“. I just want to stand up and cheer when I read that! So often I get stuck in what I think is predictable and certain, like in some way that makes me more safe or more happy! What a ridiculous lie to tell myself! The truth of the matter is that I am only limiting my experience of my life! I want to be as full and rich and… and exciting as possible and if I really want to attain this goal I need to stretch. I need to change. The nessessity for taking risk is so huge; I can’t believe that I am only just recognizing. I think so often I get stuck in the same old same old because it feels “safe” and comfortable, but what a horrible theft from me!

Really, you have one shot at this! Why not make the most of it! I am using tons of “!” because I really want to express my excitment and passion for this concept!!!!!

Life is about living, not sitting, sleeping, coasting, and comforting! It’s about failure, up and down, forward and back… all the above! A great friend of mine was telling me about an amazing man she heard speak, and he was saying that when you go to see a film, the most exciting parts are when the characters are going through the most change. In essence, this is when the characters are going through the most struggle. Why would we ever want to cut out the most exciting parts of our life?

Ahh! How fun!

Ciao for now!

Allison

I noticed recently that I have a tendency to say I am stupid. I find I have spent a lot of time in the last 10 years of my life confusing a lack of effort and responsibility as stupidity. I became very comfortable with chalking things up to the fact that I don’t have a “proper education.”

Basically, I was saying that if I had a degree of some sort, I wouldn’t make the mistakes I have made. The funny thing is, in my opinion, intelligence and mindfulness have very little to do with sitting in a classroom. Now don’t get me wrong; I think education and learning are truly two of the most important things in life, but what I was doing was limiting myself by believing that having a degree is the only measure of knowledge. The truth of the matter is that we are forever learning; it never stops.

Really, it’s just a matter of recognizing and embracing this. I am an eternal student, and I am loving all the opportunities I have to grow and evolve. I loved school, and I look forward to returning one day. I think the value of spending time with people who are dedicating themselves to evaluating, researching, and deepening their own understanding of whatever it is they are choosing to study is so admirable and valuable.

I feel like entering an environment with an awareness of life-long learning is very important. It feels like this recognition will increase one’s potency as a student. Once I started to approach everything I do in my life as though it was a college course, I began to see my own intellectual value and enjoy the process of life so much more! It kind of feels like it takes a bit of the pressure off!

Thanks, all! Keep thinking!
Allison