I don’t even know if you exist? What the heck?

After seeing my dear friend John Glover in “Waiting for Godot” I kept thinking that it seems as thought the common fear and quest of most people is that we are ultimately alone and there may not, in fact, be any real point in our existence, if we do actually exist which we can never really prove.

Ok, so then why anything?

The answer for me is: I really don’t know, but there is something beautiful about the enigmatic structure of our own experience. And if I can train myself to look at my life as one big experiment, the consequences and the failures as simply a check list for what does and doesn’t work depending on my hypothesis and the result, I think I would spend way less time stressing and way more time building.

So often I spring out of the gate with an idea, get some information back that is not what I expected and then simply shut down. I am sure you all have been witness to several of these impulse ideas… depending on how long you have been around. Which brings me to my next point.

I don’t know if you exist, or if I exist, or if this train I am riding on, with my friend, as I write this, is actually something true and tangible, The only thing that I do know is the experience I am having in this moment.

I know my leg is sticking to the seat. I know my friend who is staring out of the window is looking beautiful in her blue sweater. I know that I will bail on myself, but I wont bail on the people I love. I know I have too many pride issues, too much respect for the people I have been working with lately, to run away from my dreams and ideas if the data goes against my hypothesis.

And so, I know the virtual human team with no actual proof of existence is a gift. Because whether or not I know for sure if this is some big game or not, I know I am enriched and enlivened in my own mind and body because of the life I have lived. And the more teams I join with people I love, the more experiences I have the courage to sit through. The more boundaries I will test, the harder I will push.

So why? What’s the point?

Well, why not?

If this is just dream within a dream, I am going to do everything within my power to make it a damn good one. And since I lack the strength to push through on my own, I will look to my team-mates to nudge me with their valiant life choices and examples.

We inspire each other. Whether here or not, we effect each other.

This is a beautiful, hypothetical existence, and I want to go hard while I can.

Allendh, I hope that answers the question.

What do you all think?

Xo
a

I have been thinking about this lately because on twitter, @allendh asked me (rephrased) “how do we know we are really here and the reality we see isn’t just our imagination?”

This reminds me of an old edgar allan poe poem I used to love, back in my “dark days” of being 13.

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

Before I go any further with my own exploration of this, I would love to hear what you all think?!
I look forward to your responses.

xo
a

A few weeks ago I spent some time with my 16 year old sister and I kept asking her what she wanted to do with her life. The question was “If you could do anything in the word that you wanted to do in 5 years, what would it be? And why?” After she got a little sick of being asked the same question over and over again she finally turned the tables and asked me, “What is your answer to that question?”

I thought about it for quite some time and I have continued to think about it over these last few weeks and ultimately, the answer I have come up with thus far is as follows: I want to make art and build communities of people who are interested in expressing genuine thoughts about their own experience of existence that seek to build humanity and help us to evolve.

After reading the more recent posts in my trailer I had this total “holy shit” moment. There I was on the set of a television show that I was acting in, reading responses about some of the most profound and personal things regarding human existence and purpose, and I was like, “how the hell did I get this lucky?”

Honor and Amazement is what I feel right now! So, thank you to my newly developed Dead Poets Society. Let’s keep going with this.

Oh and by the way, Rumi is one of my absolute favorite poets. He once said “Let the Beauty you love be what you do. There are thousands of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.” This rings so true to me, especially right now. Thank you again.

And continuing down the philosophical path… What is judgment? Is it always a bad thing? I have been recognizing all my judgments and prejudices and even had an intense conversation recently with someone where we began to discuss the concept of intolerance due to intolerance. So, “you are violent, therefore, I must destroy you.” Doesn’t make much sense when you juxtapose them in that way, and yet, that is what I catch myself doing constantly. It totally gives new meaning to Gandhi’s most famous quote “You must be the change.” How can I expect to see a world with no prejudice when I refuse to take ownership of my prejudice against the people i deem as “myopic”. Isn’t that, in-turn, just being the same thing, under a different title?

Interesting places for growing. God, this rabbit hole goes deep!

xoxo
Allison