- John W. Gardner

I love this quote…

Seeing the end of Smallville has sparked a small, if not slightly obvious, epiphany: I now have a lot of time on my hands.

Being on a network television show for nearly a decade, I had not yet considered this unknown luxury.

It is an amazing thing, no doubt, but it is also terrifying at the same time.

I have an awesome life. I really do. I am blessed with so many friends, family, a wealth of opportunity and love. It is an amazing and wonderful thing.

But there is something more to life, more than the things I do and the people I interact with. There is meaning. There is what I want my life to mean and what kind of person I want to be. Both of which are, and only can be, determined by me. Through my choices and the thoughts that drive them, through the connected-ness I choose to see or not, and through the effort I put into knowing myself, I create the meaning of my existence.

The world is a wonderful and joyous place filled with the most beautiful and tragic acts happening in every moment, if you choose to see it, that is. I seem to be an addict of this life. I can’t get enough, and while I’m enjoying it, at the same time I’m terrified of losing it – of not being satiated with the world in front of me. But it’s the world inside of me, my internal experience of the world, that truly needs my attention.

To be quiet, to dig deep, to root out the subtext of each potent experience, asking why it means anything to me at all, I believe is how I will stop my internal world from spinning out of control, and allow myself to enjoy every moment, regardless of the circumstances.

I’m going to take time every day to stop and think about what I’m doing, not just plow through with little to no consideration. I believe making that deliberate and conscious choice to stop, at least once each day, to look at what is in front of me, what it means and why, will help me build and deepen that sense of meaning I’ve been searching for.

Wanting to leave the world a better place and not realizing where I fit into that plan is the one concept that never seems to stay strong and clear in my mind.

I want this year to be one of distillation and purpose. A year of clarification and celebration as I attempt to emerge with depth, wisdom, and intent.

Join me?

Two years later, hello Smallville. Now I am here on the show I asked for and while it is nothing like the life I predicted, I love it.

So where am I gonna go next? And maybe this time I will actually pay attention to the ride and process.
That way I will really see my potency in my life as well as my capacity to build that which I would like.
New York City? A women’s movement? A film company comprised of compassionate, ethical humanitarians interested in moving themselves and the world through an evolution utilizing the ancient art of story telling? Building community? Having strong, honest, joyful and balanced relationships?

It all sounds wonderful to me.
xo
a

A request of pride

allison, i would like you, if you can and dont mind, is do a session on pride. you may have already done it because ive only started doing comments for like a month but anyway i mean like ask people what makes them proud and stuff please. if you read this i would appreciate a chat about it please.

JONNY

So this was a message requesting a post on pride. Here it goes.  When I think of pride, several things come to mind. One is my ego, that damn image I have of myself that I always seem to bring up when I need an excuse not to do things that scare or intimidate me.

Actually, let’s focus on that pride for this posting, then tomorrow we can explore further!

As some of you may know, I am directing this season. I was let off the hook last season due to the writer’s strike, but now this season it is back on again. And now I have no excuses. This is an opportunity I can’t pass up and yet every time I think about the process I feel as though I am going to throw up.

It’s that image, that pride, rearing it’s head and I feel like thwarting that character I believe I am in my day to day life is a fate worse than death. Facing failure and testing my pride– hell, even proving my believe in myself wrong, is like the scariest thing in the world to me. But if this is something I never test, if I walk through my life believing that I can do things I have never in fact tried or tested, how strong and confident will that pride really be.

One slip and the whole thing is torn apart.

It is my belief that the only way to build a foundation of self that is substantial, that won’t crumble at the first sight of questioning or failure, is to, in fact, fail. And then learn how to put the pieces back together from beginning to end. Then you truly understand how the curves and crevices fit and you have no fear of it falling to pieces again, cause you know it is no big thing to re-lay the concrete.

But man getting over that initial sense of fake self-confidence is a doozy.

More on this tomorrow

xo
allison

oh and by the way, my sites gonna be down for a few hours tonight and tomorrow due to some reconstruction! I’m redecorating! Fun!

I am in San Diego and I am so sorry but I think I will have to wait until tomorrow to post any comments on the things being said regarding judgment! Please believe that I am fascinated with what you all have to say, but after the flight and a long and wonderfully celebratory dinner with my family (it is my birthday Tuesday), I feel I must turn in!

It is amazing that now I only need 2 glasses of wine and I am useless…

I have the “Smallville” panel tomorrow morning at 9am and I begin my beautifying process at 8! So with those excuses I say goodnight and I promise to respond tomorrow!

xoxo
Allison

Life without “Smallville” seems so very strange to me. For the last 7 years, I’ve had a job to go to; I’ve had something on the external world, one thing, that was totally consistent and predictable. Now, I won’t– it’s all up to me to be consistent for myself, and that feels so funny. I could look at it 1 of 2 ways. The first would be that I would totally panic and scare the crap out of myself. The second would be that I embrace the excitement of new possibilities, recognize the amazing value in change and growth, and look at this as a way for me to start to truly see that I am really the only thing I can ever depend on. I think I go in shifts with deciding which way I’ll choose to feel about this time. In the morning, slight panic, and then I amp that up throughout the day until about 3 when I’m in a totally fear-driven state… Then I say something… I vocalize my concern and my fear… And I hear myself talking… And I think, “You goof, this sounds like one of the most exciting things you’ve ever come up against. You’re going to have the opportunity to focus all your time and energy on developing things that you are so truly passionate about. Stop complaining, start working on the amazing projects you have in front of you, and choose joy in your life.” Then I feel good for the rest of the night. I go to bed, wake up, and start over again!

We are so silly, us humans. One of my mentors says we are meaning making machines. Everything we come into contact with, we make a meaning about, and then rather than living in the present and enjoying each moment, we’re either stewing or reveling in the meaning of whatever it is we just experienced. The really silly thing is the only thing we know to be true and real is every moment we’re living. I can’t know what happened in the past because it’s gone, and all I have is a story to tell about it, and thinking about the future is totally based in hypothesis. So that’s my New Year’s resolution: to focus on being here now because everything else is just a guess.

Thanks again for all your amazing support in my projects and adventures. I’m so inspired every time I’m reminded that there are people out there that recognize the importance and the value in creation, and I’m so excited to see what Kristin, you all, and I can build as a team! This is truly a beautiful world!

Keep sending me your backflips and public acrobatics! They’re stunning!

Ciao,
Allison

It also felt so good to be a part of a project from its inception, to be a part of creating something from start to finish and really feel like I was a part of the whole process. I can’t tell you all how incredibly fulfilling this was. I so encourage all of you to be a part of something like this at some point in your life. Find the thing that you love doing, the thing that you feel the most inspired and excited by… And do it! Just fuckin’ dive in and do it! It’s so satisfying!

That being said, my lovely friend and editor and my director are working on little behind the scenes docs that we’re going to be releasing sporadically for you all to watch and enjoy! We’re wanting to finish this thing so we can send it out to festivals and hopefully get it marketed and distributed!

Also, I’m starting a little schwag part that I would love to invite all of you to participate in! I have a few little items that I’ve made up, with a little help from my crew, that I’m selling to help me finance this project. I need 7500 bucks to finish this baby, and I think that between all of the support I get from you wonderful people who never cease to amaze me with your incredible support and a few different grants and such, I could potentially reach my goal! So check out my doc and click on the donations button I added to my site and let me know if there are any products you are into buying to help me finish this awesome project! Enjoy watching me do something other than Chloe And thank you so much for joining me on this radical journey!

Click the links on the side to find out how you can be apart of this!

Ciao for now,
Allison

God, I love Rumi. I think he is my all-time favourite poet and philosopher.

So… I apologize for my massive hiatus. Honestly, I have been feeling a little lost recently. I dont know if I am totally alone in this feeling, but the past month of my life I have sort of felt like I have been skimming the surface; just sort of floating through things and not really committing to anything. This plays into all the areas of my life.

I don’t like this feeling at all. Last week, at work, I had the most bizarre experience. For the first time in my career I totally zoned out at work. Thank God for Tom Welling, who reminded me very gently that we are there to tell a story and he wasn’t really sure what I was telling that day. His beautiful and loving feedback really helped to snap me back into reality. I suddenly thought “What am I doing? I have the most awesome job in the world. I work with people that I adore, and I get paid ample to do this.”

It’s so easy to get caught up in my head space of what I don’t have and where I’m not, that I forget to recognize the beauty in what I do have and where I am. I have decided to make a list of the things I love so that I can remind myself of the details in my life that I’ve been ignoring recently.

Who knows? Maybe we have some things in common. Ok, here goes. I love:

• ice cream
• laughing
• friends
• movies
• warm wool socks
• getting into a hot shower after being out in the cold rain and feeling my toes defrost
• art
• books
• taking an amazing photograph
• touching down after a long flight in a totally new country
• movie previews
• good acting
• overatures at the ballet
• bows at the end of a performance
• my nephew’s bounce
• when my dog scratches his nose on the ground
• hitting a scene just right
• hearing my best friends hour long messages on my machine
• flowers
• when the sun breaks through on a rainy day
• amazing alliterations in Tom Robbins’ novels
• my boyfriends cooking
• going to an art opening
• walking down the street, with the leaves changing and my arm wrapped around someone
• singing

Ok…wow, I feel better. It would be so cool if you all tried this and commented with your list. I would love to see the things we have in common! Thanks for listening to me vent. I so appreciate all of you! oh and hey!!!!

Oh, I won a Teen Choice again!!!!! So cool, right? Maybe this year I will get a surfboard!

Ciao for now
Allison

by Bruce Jenner

I find this quote so incredibly inspiring! I realized that I have only ever really done what feels comfortable in my life. I have never put myself in a position where I’m doing something that I have never done before. I have done this knowingly because the idea of looking like I don’t know what I am doing scares the heck out of me. After realizing this, I feel that limiting myself is ridiculous!

I am just shooting myself in the foot because… how can I ever grow if I never challenge myself. How can I ever know the depths of me if I spend my whole life skimming the surface and doing what is comfortable. So, I have decided to branch out. I will be directing episode 20 of Smallville this year, and I am so intimidated! It’s silly. I know that I have eight months to prep and that I have the most amazing crew of people around me that will do everything in their power to help me make something awesome, but getting past that ego that drives me has been a huge challenge. Ignoring the voice inside my head that is screaming “You have no clue how to do this!” has definitely been a challenge.

As I start to do more and more work on building this skill in myself, the voice is starting to soften and I am actually really enjoying the process. I liked this quote so much because it talks about “abolishing you fears” and “raising your commitment to the point of no return!” There is something so empowering about that phrase! So I am raising my “commitment level to the point of no return”!

I have now announced it to all you lovelies and I can’t go back on my word. It’s that silly pride thing that is actually helpful in this situation I am taking on something so foreign but I have made a strong decision to enjoy the learning process! Who knows, maybe I will become a fabulous director and just have two careers! Woah… let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Thanks for all the support you provide! I love hearing from you every week. You have no idea how much joy I get out of reading your thoughts on this website!

Ciao to all
Allison

ps… Oh yeah! And check out Miss Tabby’s site, allisonmackonline.com. She is doing some really awesome stuff for my birthday! I am collecting funds for a foundation that I am starting and any support is so so so appreciated!