I spent the last week rehearsing “This Old Love” by Lior to sing at a wedding for two of my closest friends. This morning I got the news that two more of my nearest and dearest are getting married. Last summer, I went to four weddings and it looks as though next year will be filled with a similar schedule. “I do. I do.” Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

 

People warned me I would be flooded with weddings when I entered my late 20s, but I had no idea it would be like this. Marriage, commitment and relationships are on the brain and I feel jaded. I feel skeptical. Critical. Righteous.

 

Every man I have met over the last three years I have described as “I really like him, but….”. I feel like a Seinfeld episode, searching for flaws in every experience to justify my decision to run in the other direction. Telling myself and every person who brings up the topic of romance that “I am much too busy and focused to take on a relationship right now.” I strive to make myself sound as important and independent as possible, convincing you while convincing me that there is nothing but ambition and vision at the root of my choice to remain single.

 

But there I am, sitting on the floor of my friends’ living room, blubbering away while they hold hands and exchange vows. The tears completely expose the truth: my hard approach to love is a total act. I can’t hide the fact that I love love.

 

And in this moment, surrounded by a community of friends and family who have gathered to celebrate these two people and their love, I am swept away by my honest opinion. The strength of their love hits me like a wave and drags me off my beach of cynicism and leaves me without a bathing suit coughing up saltwater. I have been schooled. Love can be like that.

 

Their love is splattered in technicolor on every corner of the room. Every sight, sound, and smell is an effect of how they are together. Lilies, gerber daisies, birds of paradise and eucalyptus branches fill the room with their home countries, South Africa and Australia. Chocolates in the shape of Buddha’s and gluten-free dishes cover every single table and Roberta Flack’s voice carries their feet down the stairs as they seemingly float, barefooted, to the front of the room. She is an elegant, natural woman with a sweetness so organic she can’t help but radiate. He is a graceful and soulful leader so full of depth and wisdom just his presence reminds me of what I aspire to be. Together they act as a team of elevation, love, promise, and strength.

 

I sit in the front row listening to my friends exchange their vows and I start to think about what it means that they are doing this. My friends are making life-long commitments to something that has no guarantees. There is no product they can walk away with, nothing to pick up to prove its existence. Love. A completely intangible, ephemeral experience. An experience based in trust and truly just “taking someone’s word for it.”

 

I have had two major loves in my life, and both I assumed I would marry at one point or another. I went so far as to tattoo one’s name on my chest, and start a family of animals with the other. I was so caught up in the romance of this “feeling” that I gave myself a permanent brand and two new dependants.

 

When my last relationship ended so did much of my belief in eternal love. I had a very naive perspective. I believed love should be easy. I believed commitment should never feel like a challenge and love should always feel good. I felt entitled to this fantasy and got angry at myself and my partner for being so complicated. Couldn’t he just match the picture in my head? What was so difficult about being my boyfriend marionette?

 

But I have given up the belief that love is like a water slide.

 

Love and commitment are no longer simple concepts I copy from a Disney movie. I can’t fool myself into believing the John Hughes story line where all the girl’s hopes and dreams come true when she opens the door to a new car and her latest crush. I am learning to know better.

 

I am beginning to understand the reality of what it takes to uphold that commitment. To have the courage to unlock your box of fears and let Pandora have her way. Abandon your ego, and invite the muddy, unclear, soft mushy parts of your soul just hang out there. It is so messy, unpredictable. It feels so unsafe, so unknown, yet so, so passionately alive.

 

I hear my name called and I am snapped back to the wedding. Oh yeah, my friends are getting married. I walk to the front of the room with my band mates, it is time to sing our song. And with a snot-filled Kleenex clutched in front of me, mascara running down my cheeks and eyes leaking like the kitchen faucet in my first apartment. I sing a song of appreciation to my friends. My friends who are committing to early morning kisses with unmasked kitten breath, heart breaking misunderstandings, unclear or unmet expectations, and vowing to let their guts hang out so they can unabashedly and honestly swan dive head first into this exposing, cumbersome, tender, gorgeous, vertiginous life long dance. What an honor.

Add yours Comments – 157

  • Danny Y

    on June 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Hi Allison,
    You seem like a girl with a big heart; if this blog is any indication. If you have to go through twenty losers to find one who treats you great, isn’t that worth it? You only have to find one good one. :op But you have to risk heart break to get that great love. It’s worth the journey. <3

    PS: Passion is secondary to friendship.

  • Christian Serge

    on June 19, 2012 at 3:50 am

    I saw a post today that said, “Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armor has done the least amount of brave or cool shit.” While this text may be the antipode of tattooing a loved ones name on a body part, it may have some hint of clarity.

  • Venhox

    on June 29, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    I just want to share this poem I made 5 years ago. I wrote this 6 months before I married my wife. It’s about my ex. I loved her so much and because she loved me more at least that’s what she said, she decided to vanished herself from me. Hoping that I would see her before i walk the path of a married man. She told me that if she would not show up before I got married I should promise her that I will be loyal to my wife and give up on her, that our love wasn’t meant to be.
    My wife knew about her. And believe me she knew that there were times that I wished i was married to her. Seeing my wife waiting for me and enduring all those painful moments i am thankful for having her as my better half. This poem is just a part of my past that i’d like to share with you hope you like it. Thanks!

    If only I can
    welcome new faces…

    To obliterate this
    feeling:

    An investment of
    emotion

    And it’s traces…

    If only time can
    erase

    This experience:

    The joy, pain and
    sadness

    It will only create
    some space…

    To welcome a
    sensation

    A dream, a
    simulation

    Of a love that will
    never be

    Something that is
    real for me…

    If only beginnings
    are so simple

    Then goodbyes are
    not harder

    But endings are the
    hardest part

    One must consult his
    own heart…

    If only my heart
    could answer

    It will tell me to
    be patient

    There’s a time for
    everything

    Each day will be
    better…

    That’s the saddest
    part of reality

    Feelings are
    suppressed

    To find out that not
    all stories

    Are destined to be
    heard…

    If only our love is
    stronger

    Our hands are still
    locked with each other

    Only time can tell

    Until then i am
    wishing you well…

  • DeurJam

    on July 4, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    I think true love should be easy but that’s me. When it’s hard work, that usually means that we still have a lot of work to do on ourselves because it has to be about acceptance and the desire to support one another. I found my partner half a lifetime ago and we’ve been together for 24 years. He is considerably older than me which means I will likely spend some last part of my life without him. Yet, I wouldn’t change anything because our life together has been so filled with wonderful memories. That has really been our commitment, to help each other be happy. That means giving space when one of us needs it and cuddling up whenever we can. Are there things that annoy us about each other? Sure, but in the grand scheme they are very minor. We are kindred in that we are both hopeless romantics and while it may make many others nauseous, we feed each other with fairly unconditional love. I know many aren’t built this way and I had my share of fractured relationships but I know it can be had and shouldn’t be dismissed as unattainable.

  • Marvin Landfair

    on July 6, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Wow, love that powerful unknown. I hope you will be able to sit back and enjoy the growth you are going through. It’s a beautiful thing.

  • AllTheKingsKnights

    on July 9, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    From my moments to yours,

    Have you ever felt like you were ready to accept a love so fully that it might consume you? Only to look back at that love and realize it wasn’t what you thought it was? I hope you have. I hope it felt terrible and you had an aweful night or two. I don’t say this out of spite or anger or any base negativity. I just hope that when your heart was torn out you took a moment to see what it really was before you began to put everything back together again.

    The story of Humpty Dumpty, for me, is a singular tragedy. High up on his wall, above the rest, Humpty was invincible and knew all. Only when he realizes his loneliness does he get curious about the ones he has put below him. Whether he fell, slipped or jumped from that wall doesn’t matter. The seed of the question, ‘What else may there be?(down there)’ had taken root. The great shell surrounding him shatters, the solid beliefs in virtues and what is ‘true’ only ruined him in the end. Although the kings knights tried to repair him, without allowing himself some room to grow and bounce and reflect off other, he shattered…. Poor Humpty believed too hard.

    What’s funny to me, however, is i am telling you the truth from my heart, and i know that one day i will know it for a lie. Someday later on in life, should I ever read this, i’ll laugh at myself and my ideas and how i view love. But, as this moment continues into the next, i hold no doubts that love will come my way to cheer me up and it will wander again, with my honest farewell.

    Should love ever meet me, it’ll find it’s had a home all along.

  • Andres.

    on July 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Rubia hermosa quisiera verte en persona presiosa.
    Beautiful blond would like to see in person beautiful.

  • John Honeycutt

    on July 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    have you found love yet? i just started reading some of your blogs today… Smallville has been a huge part of my life and i thank you for your hard work as well as everyone else that was part of the show. Thanks to these blogs i can really understand what you and everyone else is going through after a 10 year show. i have been curious about you guys, almost like a big brother concern for his sister or friends. i wish i could take you out for wine or coffee and forget the world for the day…. and no talk about Smallville lol, but you would have to come to Orlando Fl for that to happen. lol Thanks and good luck

  • Mike

    on July 28, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Allison,
    I know how it feels watch all my friends get married and move away, feels like a game of musical chairs was being played and not only did I not get a chair but I was not even in the room. You are a great actress and seem like a generally wonderful person. You will find a great love I am sure of it. If ever in Utah consider me lol. best wishes always

    Evan

  • Mike Sergent

    on August 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Allison exceptional people NEED to find other exceptional people. The problem is this will be an EXCEPTIONAL CHALLENGE! Do not let people, or even friends push you into conformity. This world has a way of devouring good people and the wrong person entering your life will be FAR more painful than simply not finding that special someone. Continue on and God will put the person that is for you in your clear path

  • steph

    on September 17, 2012 at 10:48 am

    We have almost the same birth date. I am got married in last June with my favorite Canadian and I have to said this is more simple as I thought. When he did me the proposal, I was very scared. My experience is Love no last longer and it finish by hurting. My husband is just the most patient person in the world and he convinced me that Life is unpredictable and it is because we are scared of doing things that we are doing nothing. So I am got married and I give all I have in this relationship. If this relationship have to finish one day, I would have an happy girlfried, fiancée and bride during the time it lasts. I’m sure you will find a person just for you! 🙂

  • Rox

    on November 25, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    I’m from Romania , a long way from New York but i can tell you this … that someone , the person who will make your soul “hang out” there for everyone to see will come. Maybe on the street , maybe on a work day , maybe when you need it. The most important thing in life is joy , you will see it in the eyes of the one that is going to give all up in one second for you, it is that magical moment that you don’t know what just happened but it did. It will take you by surprise and you will “have it all”. You are an amazing young woman , you have the most exquisite smile and a great passion for all that you do.

    There are lot of styles , rhythms , traditions , characters , emotions , feelings , but true love is only one. It can’t be described in Disney movie , in a song , not even by one’s experience. You will see yourself one day next to a person that will say and do everything you need him to. The one that will look at you and see all the good in the world , all the happiness.

    Love is in the world , it does exist and it will come to you. The only question is will you let it in? or Will you be afraid it will burn ? I believe in Love , i love .. love as you put it.

    Some of us read , we do a lot of reading and fill the emptiness inside with fantasies, with a special bond between two characters, we read “I love you, i would rather die than live without you” and it make’s us wish for it, for that one person who will tell us “We can say the words. Our love is all that counts, not some other person saying words for us. Words coming from our hearts will bond us better than anyone else ever could”.

    Allison, you can be married to someone and never feel that bond , and you can find that one person in the world who will make it all possible and more and never get married. As a public person it must be harder, i believe in your future. I believe that in 15 years i can google you and see that i am right about you and your “karma” is where it should be.

    I hope that someday we will meet and by that i hope you had already found the lucky guy 🙂 or girl:) it`s fine with me.

    Kisses from south-east Europe.

    • 3tesla

      on November 27, 2012 at 11:44 am

      Hi there Rox!
      I have not yet had the pleasure of exploring Romania (the closest I’ve been is Slovakia), but I hope to come and see your national rugby team, The Mighty oaks, play one day; perhaps against their rivals Georgia.
      Best regards, Dave M. (England)

  • david

    on February 7, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    love is a very thing to find and not everyone will find it but i believe it will happen to you,you are a smart beautiful and funny person that have to offer sometimes you just have to let it come to you,i learn if you look for it,it will pass you by

  • Ian Markey

    on April 3, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    All I can say is don’t settle for less than any woman deserves! Respect!

  • Charlie G

    on April 20, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Great, Thanks a lot Allison Mack. You have filled me with intense passion to find my true love…………oh poop

  • R. Vizcaino

    on May 23, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Loving is easy and fun, how difficult is to find a person who actually touch the correct key and log in as an arrow in your heart

  • Matthew Grieve

    on July 15, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Wow. I love this, I love the way you write. This is first thing of yours I have read and I absolutely loved it. You are such a beautiful woman and the right guy is out there, you’ll find him, or he’ll find you. I admit I’d love it to be me. But sadly I’m not even on the same landmass unless you plan on coming to Scotland anytime soon. x

  • gm

    on October 1, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    You write very well. “I have been schooled. Love can be like that,” should be song lyrics.

    Having crested my late 20’s and made it mostly alive into my early 30’s and having seen many of my friends pair off and get married (and sometimes also divorced), I have given plenty of thought to what love is and is not. I have made all the mistakes you can think of. Given too much. Given too little. Tried to force the wrong thing. Held too loosely to the right thing. I’m currently in what I believe and hope to be the most loving and true relationship for me, but still the true nature of Love is elusive.

    My current thoughts on the L word are largely parallel to my thoughts on religion. I believe that there is only one love (thanks Mr. Marley) that we call by many different names the same way that I believe there is only one god we have infinitely labeled and subdivided. The romantic love between a man and a women, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman flows from the same deep river as the love you have for your mother, your best friend, and your dog. It sounds diminutive the way I’ve phrased it but I’m not much of a writer. What I mean is that I don’t think there is merely one “soul mate” for each person. I think that our first job is to feel true love on our own, as strange as that may sound. The romantic idea that we are incomplete by ourselves is deceptive because we are never by ourselves. We are constantly surrounded by and immersed in things and experiences we can share love with.

    There then becomes an amazing and simple beauty in being with another person who can receive love the way you give it and give love the way you want it. Becoming part of something like this exponentially increases the amount of love you can experience in your life because you experience all of theirs as well as all of your own. But that does not diminish the flow of love a life can have on its own. Happiness is happiness and love is love. No one can own or control these things and they are as free to have for everyone as air. All we have to do is open our lungs and breath.

    It’s more than a feeling….that’s The Power of Love.

    • 3tesla

      on October 2, 2013 at 5:59 am

      > But that does not diminish the flow of love a life can have on its own.

      Well put!

      James Arthur has a song out in the UK called “You’re Nobody ’til Somebody Loves You” which I dislike because I believe that every human has innate worth irrespective of their circumstances. But that innate worth possibly comes from the ‘love’ that everyone receives from ‘God’, to some extent, from the moment of their birth.

  • J. Brundige

    on July 21, 2015 at 9:17 am

    I loved reading this. Can I marry it?